Beauty And Beast

He hated riding the bus. It was the lowest form of transportation. People were packed in like livestock. Buses used the same roads that his car used to. They were old and nothing special. There was no allure to riding the bus. It was just a cheap way to get your ass from point A to point B, nothing more.

He won a seat for this morning’s ride. He was longing for something different, when the beauty sat in front of him. She got on at an unusual stop. He could not remember a female joining the fray at that particular juncture.

She was attractive. She knew how to take care of herself. She understood what it took. He smiled at her. She did not see him, because the bus was stopping again and the sudden stop combined with people moving eclipsed his face. The doors opened and the exchange took place.

A boy with unkempt facial hair and a disastrous pony-tail came aboard. The boy was a slob, a slob that did not know anything. He wanted people to perceive him as disinterested, but any man could see through his façade. Disinterestedness meant you did not care about others’ perceptions.

The boy sat beside the beauty. It was time for another smile. But, the beauty began to talk to the beast. She seemed to be enjoying it too. She was enjoying it too much.

It made him angry. A beauty like her needed not converse with a dreg. The boy was insignificant. She was art waiting to be discovered. No, he did not want to discover her, at least not today, but she was being ruined by this worthless fool. His opinion of the boy did not change, but the beauty’s portrait was rapidly depreciating.

The bus stopped. It was his turn to leave the rest of the cattle and head for greener pastures, well, different pastures. It was the beauty’s turn also. The boy had to sit alone and wait.

He let the beauty go ahead of him. She smiled in appreciation; he smiled back.

What To Do

This morning I felt an urge to write. I started a story. I did not finish. I looked at the Ayn Rand Institute's Atlas Shrugged essay contest. I liked one topic, but I decided I am too old for book reports.

Then I found this post in ML's blogosphere. I am not commenting directly on the blog partly because I am misinterpreting the post, partly because I have no courage, and partly because I wanted to write something at length.

It angers me when "fair weather exercisers" do not put their weights back properly. It angers me they do not respect the weight room.

But the "fair weather exercisers" are not the problem in the gym or on the trail. When I lifted at Gold's, I payed $50 a month, but the weights were arranged properly. I saw fewer "fair weather exercisers." Of course there were some, but the $50 a month kept many away. (The explicit and implicit rules [big guys] of the gym forced the "fair weather exercisers" to respect the weight room.)

Now I do not pay any monthly dues. Every taxpayer pays the same. The "fair weather exercisers" pay the same as everyday exercisers. Their taxes have purchased the right to put weights wherever they please. Everyday exercisers cannot cancel their memberships. They do not have any mechanism to force respect. The "fair weather exercisers" are subsidizing everyday exercisers.

I am stealing from those people who do not use the weight room.

The trail is the same way. I have never been on the trail, but I have helped pay for it.

Here is a dialogue from Atlas Shrugged:

"Ragnar Danneskjold: I've chosen a special mission of my own. I'm after a man whom I want to destroy. He died many centuries ago, but until the last trace of him is wiped out of men's minds, we will not have a decent world to live in."

Hank Rearden: "What man?"

Danneskjold: "Robin Hood.""

The modern world is trying to be both the poor peasants and the evil Sheriff of Nottingham with government acting as Robin Hood. We take from gym rats and give to trail blazers. Then we take from trail blazers and give to gym rats. Then we take from the lazy and those who prefer private memberships and give to both the rats and the blazers. Even if it all evens out, it still does not make sense.

We as a society do not need trails and gyms. Some individuals within our society want trails and gyms. Only those individuals should pay for the gym and trails. Then they can enforce whatever rules they want. Then everyday exercisers could avoid "fair weather exercisers." Everyone would be happier.

Working From Home

Good things:

1. You can avoid a shower and stay in your boxers half the day.

2. After every 15 minutes of working, you can take a 45 minute ESPN break.

3. You can cut your toenails without fear.

4. You can look at questionable material without fear.

5. You can wash clothes (which is included in the 15 minutes of working.)

6. You control the temperature.

7. The toilet paper is much nicer.

Bad things:

1. After every 15 minutes of working, you can take a 45 minute ESPN break.

2. You hear this young guy and his girlfriend training their dog. You do not know who to feel more sorry for the dog or yourself.

3. You notice your toenails are ugly, and you have more hair where you do not want it than where you want it.

4. The 45 minute ESPN break must involve a snack.

5. You see how much of a slob you are. You clean up for your 15 minutes of work then make a mess with your 45 minute break. You give up on cleaning.

6. You realize you hate working. It does not matter where. At least at the office there are more women.

"That Would Not Be Kind"*

The most important thing I learned from my marketing class was people buy on emotion not thought. Funny commercials sell bad products. A personable candidate defeats a droll one. You catch more flies with honey. The squeaky wheel gets grease. Intelligence does not always rule the day.

You can see it with blogs. There are some intellectual blogs, but most are like this one; some kid dealing with life. Funny posts get more attention than serious ones. People want to feel not think.

I have no idea what the above means. I guess it is me justifying my laziness. It is me telling me its okay not to think. It is me.

I read over my last posts. I have no direction. I do not know what I want, and I do not care what I want. I am just faking life. I have become what I hate.

But at least I am not calling in any "10 o'clock tuck-ins." The marks are key. You are either selling them something or you are one of them.

*Gordon Lightfoot's "Rainy Day People" A great song. Read the lyrics.

Its Better To Be Pissed Off Then Pissed On

My father has a Mr. Natural cartoon where a man asks Mr. Natural "What does it all mean?" Mr. Natural responds "Don't mean sheeit..."

Mr. Natural is right.

But it is hard to keep life's events in perspective. I have fell into the overachieving high school girl trap. I have a long but meaningless resume. I do nothing well. When something important comes around, I do not treat it with the reverence it deserves. I have to make decisions and face their consequences.

ML called me sexist again. I am not going to rehash this debate, but I am tired of her defamation. She wants men to wear veils. She wants slaves that only feel when she wants them to. She wants eunuchs. She is sexist.

She also called me an asshole but I cannot argue with that assertion.

Pink Thongs, Miles, And 3 x 5 at 275

A Chinese female classmate had a heavily exposed pink thong on today. Very few things get the juices flowing like heavily exposed pink thongs. I am convinced women have no idea how they affect men. I would have been better off sleeping through those two classes.

I am listening to a shuffle of Miles (the Man), Bruce (the Boss), and Gordon Lightfoot. They remind me of how little I have done, but how much I can do.

I told this undergraduate girl that grades do not matter. She got a 90 and was worried about getting an A- instead of an A. Anyone who knew me in my previous life would laugh at my hypocrisy. (It was always more about learning the material for me though. I used to want to know. It was the knowledge not the grades.)

I bench pressed 275 pounds three sets of five. I have not been able to do that in a long time. (My shoulders and elbows are getting old.)

But I am much more impressed by this. I have always wanted to be able to sustain my heart rate above 180 for an extended period. I had teacher in high school who used to brag about how he could get his heart rate over 200 even though he was 50 and had a heart defect.

I Went To Church Tonight

The sermon was "Would Jesus Vote Republican?" It was well done.

The preacher emphasized judging people the same way you judge yourself. You cannot expect more out of someone then you expect out of yourself.

He also emphasized reflection. Rand put it best: "...in order to be heard, one must have something to say. To have that, one must know one's case. One must know it fully, logically, consistently, all the way down to the philosophical fundamentals."

He said what my father has told me for years, "only an idiot always votes along party lines." We have to think about our political decisions.

(The preacher should reflect more on his views on debt forgiveness and poverty, but it was thought provoking discussion.)

The music sucked. Jesus, God, and other unnecessary words were forced into lyrics. The music captured no emotions. It was horrible. As Hank Hill said about Christian rock, 'It is not making Christianity any better and making rock worse.'

The service started six minutes late. People walked in late. There is no religion in tardiness.

But the sermon was good.

"But who in your measly little world are you trying to prove that you're made out of gold and can't be sold" ~Jimi Hendrix's "Are You Experienced?"

Who?

200th Post Or All Posts Are The Same

I apologize to loyal readers who have previously read this discussion.

Rand distinguished between want and need.

I need to eat. I need to sleep. I need protection from the cold. Need is primitive.

I want a car. I want a simpler life. I want nice things. I want love. I want success. Want is secondary.

Americans want. They do not need.

Sam sent me this article by Malcolm Gladwell. It is another cry for universal health care. Gladwell argues well. But he is wrong.

Gladwell and universal health care supporters fail to recognize the difference between want and need.

I broke my wrist in a football game. It was the fourth quarter with thirty seconds to play. I did not want to come out of the game. The bone was protruding, and the official made me leave the field. I was (am) a stupid young kid.

Besides a broken leg, it was my most expensive injury. But I wanted to play football. I wanted my wrist fixed correctly. There is no justice in making the cheerleaders' parents pay for my wants. It was my decision to break my wrist and my family internalized those costs.

I have no sympathy for the people discussed by Gladwell. They decided teeth and health were not important. They wanted something else. Do they regret those decisions? Yes. But why should a person who made different decisions pay for those regrets?

Gladwell fails to see it is not about moral hazards or externalities but about right and wrong. It is wrong to force people to pay for my stupidity. It is wrong to steal from a healthy person to give to a sick person. It is right for me to pay for my football injuries.

(An entrepreneur will create a new financial instrument in the next ten years that will revolutionize health care, if the government stays out of their way.)

Missed Opportunities

I work in an office
It is really a cell
I work on the fourth floor
It is really hell

And there is always someone
Knocking at the door

I am tired of wanting
I am tired of hunting

There is no 'man' my friend
If there was,
You would be him

Life looks grim
When you are on the fourth floor
In an office that is really a cell
And you are the devil
Keeping you in hell

And there is always someone
Knocking at the door
But you will not let them in

Another Experiment

I come into Microeconomics class today. The following was on the board:

"US Rich and Poor
Top 1% owns 38%
Bottom 40% owns 1%
Top 3 million own same as bottom 113 million
(2002)"

I respond on the board:

"So What?

The bottom 113 million are still better off than the majority of the world.

Thought Experiment
What would happen if we took everything away from the top 3 million and gave it to the bottom 113 million?

Who is John Galt?"

The professor gave a positive argument that in capitalist countries inequality is expected. The rich accumulate. The poor do not. He did not have the courage to make any normative claims about income equality. He did not discuss how graduate students or hippies sacrifice wealth for (perceived) happiness. He did not discuss anything of importance. He did not discuss how the top 1% got their wealth.

And the students (including myself) passively accepted his response. It made me angry but I sat there like the Chinese Communist I have become.

Mean Things I Have Done

There is a bus sitting at my stop. I ask a frumpy girl if the sitting bus is in service. She replies no.

The bus comes. I get on with the frumpy girl. She sits down near me. I do not say a word.

A beautiful ebony (club) volleyball player gets on and sits across from me. I ask her about volleyball. She goes into a speech about how the national tournament moved from Las Vegas to Salt Lake City. She talked five minutes about herself. The frumpy girl entered the conversation but it was all about volleyball.

I am an asshole.

An unworthy woman will only talk about herself. Worthy women have the courtesy to ask something about you even if they do not care.

Suggestions

Partly due to me, the Krugman reader in the gym gave up on Krugman. He said Krugman's style was too pompous.

I feel bad. I have decided to suggest or let him borrow another economics book. My first thought was Heilbroner's The Worldly Philosophers. My second thought was Callahan's Economics For Real People.

Since the readership of the blog has increased, I expect suggestions.

I do not think he will read any economics book especially one I have written all over, but its a good experiment. Economists have to teach better.

An Experiment

"Learned more from a three minute record
Than I ever did in school...
No retreat, no surrender"
~the greatest American economist
The Boss, Bruce Springsteen

I wrote this on the board before Macroeconomics. I wished I had a camera to see the reactions from my classmates and the professor.

Except one colleague, no one had ever really listened to Springsteen. It made them pause and think especially the Chinese (half of the class).

It really blew their mind when I asked them to name a better American economist. There gave no satisfactory answers.

I am playing with a different deck. Playing with different decks gets you killed for cheating. Or, you never get in the game.

The proper quote:
"...Learned more from a three minute record, baby
Than we ever learned in school"

An Email Debate

The following is an Email thread Jobless, Jobless' friend and I had. I have deleted names but not poor grammar. It is nothing profound, but it made me wonder about where the world is going and what I am doing about it.

The following article is what I was trying to describe to you, in reference to subsidies. I attached the pdf with the full article. It starts on page 25 of the pdf. The second is something I thought you would enjoy.

MOVEMENT TO END CROP SUBSIDIES GAINING GROUND AMONG SOME FARMERS (110 Wall
Street Journal 3/14) A movement to uproot crop subsidies, which have been worth nearly $600 million to U.S. farmers over the decades, is gaining ground in some unlikely places – including down on the farm. In Iowa, one of the most heavily subsidized states, a Republican running to be state agriculture secretary is telling big farmers they should get smaller checks. Mark Leonard, who collects subsidies himself, told a room full of farmers recently that federal payments spur overproduction, which depresses prices for poor growers overseas. There is a long history of mostly failed attempts to pare farm payments. But the current anti- subsidy sentiment, rising over the last year in the U.S., is stirring attention because it is unusually broad. “There is a growing number of people who want to weigh in on farm policy,” said Rep. Jerry Moran of Kansas, who sits on the House Agriculture Committee. Grass-roots groups are riding the momentum that began with the push to forgive the debt of poor countries in the late 1990s. Another spur to the anti-subsidy movement comes from the World Trade Organization, where the U.S. is coming under increasing pressure to
rein in farm spending.

Jobless

Great seeing you at the wedding and I enjoyed debating with you. Its been a long time since we have had the opportunity to harass each other. Now that I have your email address I will start sending you tons of democratic propaganda, Hillary 2008. Thanks for the information but the pdf did not come through, so please send it again. What you did send me still does not convince me that there is a huge movement by farmers to cut or even reduce the programs. THE ARTICLE DOES NOT QUOTE ONE US FARMER OR ONE US FARM ORGANIZATION WHO IS AGAINST FARM SUBSIDIES. The article states one Republican politician, who collects subsidies himself (he could just be some landlord who is working the system not a FARMER) is in favor of reducing payments and the Canadian farms do not want the US to have subsidies. The groups who oppose farm subsidies are the WTO and Grass-roots hippies who think by keeping food prices cheap we are destroying the world. We'll see how much the world is in favor of subsidies when they have to pay twenty dollars per lb for hamburger and ten dollars for a gallon of milk.

In regards to the Canadian article, I don't have a problem with them placing tariffs on US corn, but it is only fair we place a tariff on any product that is feed with Canadian corn. This includes beef, pork, poultry, cars, truck, and tires (the Canadians indirectly eat the corn (WB: I could not let this go) so anything they manufacture is produced by corn). Plus we need to sue the government because they are violating NAFTA by imposing duties.

I am only in favor of reducing subsidies if I can set my own price, not some moron at the CBOT who sets the price based on REPORTS from the federal government (side note - I really don't like the USDA crop reports because I feel they "play with the numbers"). Lets see, soybeans $10.00 /bu, corn $3.90 /bu, wheat $4.50 /bu, beef $3.00 hanging wts.

Well I'm done ranting.


PS - A strong country depends on three key items, Agriculture, Industry, and Technology. We have already lost Industry to China and we are starting to loose Technology to India. Lets find a way not to loose Agriculture.

Jobless's friend (an engineer and a farmer)

What was the first thing Hitler did? Close Germany's borders.

Economists have failed to teach anything. Its fine your friend is protecting his own ass, but he should admit it. He does not care about national interest. All he cares about is his own interest.

Economists have to teach better. We cannot even teach smart people. How are we ever going to teach dumb people?

I am too angry to write anymore.

WB

Populist Colleagues And Wal-Mart

My populist colleague who worked for my populist representative Virgil Goode sent me this link. It was his response to this article.

He thinks Wal-Mart is evil. I think Wal-Mart should have the opportunity to use its property as it deems fit.

Conservative Professor Bainbridge says Wal-Mart is bad because the data is inconclusive on its effects on jobs and wages.

I am not fond of econometric (statistical)studies. They often confuse the issue. This is one of those situations. Number of jobs and average or median wages does not say anything. We want to know how well-off, how happy, the community is before and after Wal-Mart. We use real income (what can be bought) as a proxy for these measures. (Admittedly, it is a poor measure.) I do not know the aggregate income data. If Wal-Mart caused a community to become poorer, then how could it stay in business? How can Wal-Mart decrease a community's wealth? Decreasing the community's wealth would decrease its profits.

But Bainbridge changes his argument midstride. It is not about dollars, it is about aesthetics. Wal-Mart destroys beautiful small businesses. Wal-Mart has never destroyed another business. Customers not purchasing from the beautiful small business but from Wal-Mart destroyed them. Bainbridge is blaming the wrong people. He should say "stupid customers who do not know the beauty of small business are destroying small business."

He is also irked by Wal-Mart's ugly buildings. Architecture is a matter of taste. I like Wal-Mart's look. I think County Office buildings and churches are ugly. But I am not proposing to eliminate local government and religion.

His idea that Wal-Mart kills entrepreneurship is stupid. My father's video store buys DVDs, drinks, and candy from Wal-Mart and Sam's Club. I know guys who buy produce from Wal-Mart and sell it at the local fruit stand. Entrepreneurship is about recognizing customer wants and meeting these wants. Wal-Mart meets some wants, but it also creates wants. I talk to people who hate Wal-Mart's crowds. Small stores can compete because they do not have crowds.

Bainbridge's argument about the trade deficit is bogus. He should read Cafe Hayek. Trade is mutually beneficial. Dependency theory does not make sense. China runs a trade surplus with the United States by investing in the US. If the Chinese think we are a good investment, then we are probably a good investment.

If Wal-Mart gets tax breaks, it the community's fault not Wal-Mart's. No tax breaks should be given. They are unconstitutional and wrong. Taxes and tax breaks are coercion. But you cannot blame Wal-Mart. You have to blame populist local politicians.

Bainbridge and anti-Wal-Marters are blaming Wal-Mart because things are not going their way. They want a horse and buggy economy. They want the past. Fortunately, most Americans want progress.

Beautiful Things And The Truth

Sometimes you have to step back to see how beautiful something really is. You have to take a deep breath and just observe. You have to see things for what they really are. Beautiful things should be studied.

A colleague started a blog. I could not give him this address. I will have to wait a couple of weeks. It made me think about what I am posting. Maybe I will start another blog for professional issues.

Life is easier when you can tell the truth.

Satisfaction

I wanted to write this post yesterday. Sunday night stress is starting to creep in but...

For the first time in a long time, I feel satisfied.

I learned how to read again. Reading calms me. It slows me down. It helps me breath.

I have entered a different post-infatuation stage. The self-doubt and longing is still there, but I am more confident in my ability to control the situation. Instead of looking for flaws to eliminate the infatuation, I am trying to justify it. I am not ignoring flaws, but I am not concentrating on them either.

I am taking a chance.

A reader was nice enough to compliment me. I am honest enough with myself to know that I am not a good writer. But I am improving.

All (good) writing is personal. But by writing in public, the author accepts a social responsibility. As McCloskey says in The Writing of Economics, "the reader is sovereign."

My goal is to make the reader think. I want to relay my thoughts and feelings, but I want readers to look inside themselves. I want them to agree, disagree, and ask why. I want them to feel.

Chekhov said it best, "My goal is...to paint life in its true aspects, and to show how far this life falls short of the ideal life."

I am no Chekhov. But this weekend I feel satisfied and that is good enough.

"These Emotions Of Mine Keep Holding Me From, Eh, Giving My Life To A Rainbow Like You"

Jimi Hendrix's "Bold As Love"

Anger, he smiles,
towering in shiny metallic purple armour
Queen Jealousy, envy waits behind him
Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground

Blue are the life-giving waters taken for granted,
They quietly understand
Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready,
But wonder why the fight is on
But they're all bold as love, yeah, they're all bold as love
Yeah, they're all bold as love
Just ask the axis

My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war,
and ribbons of euphoria
Orange is young, full of daring,
But very unsteady for the first go round
My yellow in this case is not so mellow
In fact I'm trying to say it's frightened like me
And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from, eh,
Giving my life to a rainbow like you
But, I'm eh , yeah, I'm bold as love
Yeah, yeah
Well I'm bold, bold as love (hear me talking, girl)
I'm bold as love
Just ask the axis (he knows everything)
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah!

To Camus Or What Matters

When he was young
Many things mattered:

Success
Glory
Religion
Sex
Forgiveness
Life
Happiness

Then one morning
His head throbbed
He looked in the mirror
There was nothing there

Yes,
You have to push the rock
But it does not fall all the way down
You stumble
You recover

Things do not matter
But he would never be young again

"Let Your Mistakes Be Your Own; Let Your Sins Be Your Own"*

What a day:

I got so angry this morning at a class and the changes in the gym that I could have killed.

I floated through the afternoon. I did absolutely nothing. And for some reason, I can still look myself in the mirror. The devil did not take my soul. I did not die.

I went to my final class for the week. I laughed. I saw the world's absurdity and laughed like I had only one laugh left.

After class, I had three excellent conversations. None of them mattered, none dealt with anything of importance. I enjoyed all three.

I smelled a Rio Star Texas Grapefruit. There is no better scent. I almost do not want to eat it. It smells so good.

I read over this post. I laughed again.

An Addendum:

I saw the girl from the gym who does not wipe down machines for the first time in three weeks. She was stunning, absolutely stunning.

I had another conversation. Again nothing of real importance, but I almost got my mind blown. She was beautiful also. I cannot stop thinking about her.

*"I ain't going to fuck it up this time." from
Bruce Springsteen's "Long Time Comin"

Bird Of Prey

Atop his perch he studied the young woman. He had been fascinated by her for two weeks. He could not figure out why he thought she was beautiful. His friend did not see it making her more beautiful.

She had a wonderful smile, a smile that pacified his mind. A smile that made him forget the cosmetic nature of the world he had chosen to live in, a smile that illuminated the darkness in his soul. He thought about how he valued that smile. He thought about what he would give to see it often. He thought about how much he would enjoy telling her about her wonderful smile.

But what if she already knew of her beautiful smile? She would not care about this ugly owl stalking her from his perch. She would laugh at the owl and send him away. Beautiful people care about beauty. This ugly owl was not beautiful.

But what if she didn’t think her smile was beautiful? The owl did not like playing therapist. Women without confidence served no purpose. They were just lungs breathing, nothing more, nothing less. And, once the owl convinced her of her beauty, she would certainly see him for what he truly was, an ugly owl.

And, this neuroticism was his life. He wasn’t a damn owl. He was a scared boy who couldn’t find the courage to talk to an average looking girl. He was an idiot who thought things through. Some would say too thoroughly, but he knew that ‘too thoroughly’ made no sense; he had thought that out too. He knew his observations held future relevancy. He did not know exactly what they were going to be used for, but they were something, something relevant. Relevant was the correct word. He pondered the meaning of relevancy. All he ever did was ponder his thoughts.

He got off his perch. He passed the beauty. He wondered what the future held for him.

The beauty wondered the same thing.

Magic

I am a rational guy. I think everything through to the nth degree. There are no miracles. I separate reality from fantasy.

But sometimes (especially with women) I expect magic. I sit around and wait for something to magically happen. I wait for a miracle.

There are no miracles. I make things happen. I cannot expect anything to happen while sitting on my ass. "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life." Ass sitting leads to hemorrhoids.

(I wonder how long this attitude will last. I am betting a day and a half.)

Proof that there are valleys in Missouri from Random Ramblings:

"... enjoying the AMAZING weather we had over the weekend...I remember one time when I was like a 6th grader or something. I had a paper to write, 2 homeworks and like a test to study for..."

Like I know it isn't cool to like make fun of someone's blog on like another blog, but like I had to do it like the rest of the post and comments were like TOUCHING or something!!!

(This last part sounded better in my head then it turned out written.)

Breadth Versus Depth

I have been debating the following ideas for a year. I have neither the time nor the energy nor mental capacity to make this a readable post. But I want to say something today, in case I go crazy and am sent to an asylum tonight.

ML and the Filipina tell me life is about breadth of experience. You have a gut-level reaction you like someone; you ask her out or start playing the game with her. You talk to the girl on the bike. Thinking gets you in trouble. Life is making the most out of random occurences.

"I took the money. I spiked your drink. You miss too much these days if you stop to think... You know I love the element of suprise." U2's Tryin' To Throw Your Arms Around The World

I care much about the depth of an experience. I study the gut-level reaction. I throughly examine if there is more than just a gut-feeling. The introspection is the important part of the experience. Knowing why I was attracted, why I reacted the way I did matters. You do not talk to the girl on the bike because there is nothing to say. Life is explaining randomness. Life is what you learn through experiences.

A blogger in ML's blogosphere said "everything is better in person." You have to see it to believe it, to feel it.

I disagree. I get more out of a football game on TV than 90% of the fans in Lane Stadium. I see the two coordinator's chess game. I see athletes versus football players. I see discpline versus reckless abandon. I see hours of practice and preparation that went into the game. I see the humility it takes to play football. To me, the game itself and what the game teaches is important. "Enter Sandman" and getting drunk with friends does not teach anything. It is a wasted experience. It is experience for experience's sake. (I prefer Rattle and Hum to a live U2 concert. It is a deeper experience. "Fuck the revolution" taught me more than the drunks at RFK .)

"I don't care where you've been. I want to know where you are going."

But I am changing. I think ML, the Filipina, and the blogger have a valid point. You have to do things just to do them. Life gets boring watching TV. Life gets boring sitting in the classroom. You can only study for so long before applying what you have learned.

Of course, there should be a balance, but I have never been able to balance anything in my life. (I almost crushed my testicles on the balance beam in elementary school.)

Ugly Conversations In The Gym

I lifted alone today. I had one and half conversations while I was at the gym. I will repress those one and half conversations for the rest of my life.

I will start with the worst. There were three people lifting. One happened to be a bi-sexual. I know this because I overheard him revealing this to someone. I stay away from him. He is not a bad guy, but I would rather not talk to him. He likes to talk.

Well, I avoid him in the weightroom. But he catches me in the shower. He caught me bad.

A quick digression is necessary. My generation prefers not to look at naked men in the lockeroom. We wrap a towel to and from the shower. We dress quickly. The older generation does not care. They walk around with their towel over their shoulder. They will sit and talk on the bench wearing nothing. It is disgusting. They need to split the young men and the old men into two lockerooms. (Maybe, they can put young men with young women. Now, there is an idea.)

The first rule of my generation is, "never talk to anyone in the shower." Well, the bi-sexual guy comes into the shower and burps. I quickly rinse the shampoo out of my hair. (I do not know why I bother with shampoo; habit I guess.)

As I am walking out, "Its nice not to have the undergraduates around."

"Yeah," I answer quickly grabbing for my towel.

"I think the internet gives these guys bad impressions about their bodies. They think they have to look like the guys on TV to get layed. They work-out instead of studying."

An interesting thesis but we are both completely naked. Like an idiot I continue, "Unrealistic expectations, none of them can sustain a regimen."

"I am happy with who I am." The guy points to his penis. "I tell these guys its not the pencil but the pad." I have no idea what this means. He points to his penis again and then to his stomach. "Eventually, there will be male anorexia." I am sure he pointed to his penis twenty five more times, but I am repressing.

"Yeah." I do not know why I did not get the hell out of there. We continued talking for a few minutes before I went to my locker and wondered how this conversation was going to scar me.

The sad thing is he had a point. It would have been a fine conversation if we were wearing clothes. Men do have image problems. This story and what I am repressing says something about my image problems.

Still, naked men should not talk to each other.

Before my shower from hell, I am riding the bike to cool down. This girl is riding beside me who used to work at the gym. She is attractive enough. I ask her what she is reading, she says and shows me, "People." I say something inconsequential. She says, "nothing good, just trash."

She said it with a big smile. I could tell she wanted to talk. She probably missed out on a fun Spring Break for some horrible reason. She probably had not really talked to anyone for a week.

But dumbass me, I did not continue the conversation. All she wanted was someone to talk to. I could have rode the bike a few extra minutes and missed the bi-sexual guy. It was a mean thing for me to do. I hate when people treat me that way.

I will continue this in my next blog topic about breadth versus depth. Now I need to go home and watch a lot of lesbian porn.

A Chinese office-mate knocks on my door and asks, "Do you use LaTeX?"

How do you answer that one while keeping a straight face?

American Apathy Or My Political Ambition

You sit there
You try not to stare
But you are aware

The world is burning down
All you do is frown

A man in a slick suit
Is talking to you
You know you are one of the lucky few
But the way that suit
The way that suit makes him look like he has a clue

I care
Do not feed me that shit

You want them to see the world just like you

I want to see myself
Clearly
In the sunlight
In the moonlight

Today I was too weak to fight
But tomorrow you had better watch out
Be prepared for a heavyweight bout

I know,
15 rounds and a draw

You just sit there
You try not to stare
But you are aware

I Am A Pathetic Wimp

A Filipina colleague called me a pathetic wimp today. Actually she used a Tagalog word that meant pathetic wimp, but I cannot spell or pronounce it.

If it was anyone but a Filipino, I would have gotten mad.

She basically said I was sitting around waiting for something to happen instead of making something happen. It was a slap in the face, but she has a point.

There is no doubt I am pathetic, but I am still debating the wimp part. (She also said I think too much.)

ML proposed that life is about compromising. She is probably right. But I hope not. When I am the optimist, the world does not look good.

Sometimes compromise turns out to be ideal. My Dad once told me, "Son, I had dreams. Many did not come true, but I wouldn't trade any of those dreams for your mother, sister or you. " Being the dumb kid I am, I did not believe or listen to him. But my Dad does not lie about anything important.

This Dubai ports deal is pure racism. The United Arab Emirates and Dubai are more American than half of America. Congress has set progress back by fifty years. Trade is never bad. I am not very political, but I will never vote for any Congressman who voted to stop this deal. I saw John Warner was in favor, but I will find out about Allen and Goode. Congress has no right screwing with private business. There are no public goods.

"Baby, Don't You Know You Got It Going On?"*

A commenter called me "real and honest." I have to add that to my 'compliments I care about' list. I thank you commenter. (I am not convinced 'commenter' is or should be a word, but I am sticking with it.)

I crapped out benching today. I was doing threes sets of ten at 235, and I got nine on the last set but I racked the weight and did not even try the tenth rep. I have not done that in a while. It is disappointing, but I will get over it.

The USA layed an egg in the World Baseball Classic. Losing to Canada is like losing to the junior varsity team. I know it is irrational, but I do not like Canada. It is there nationalized health care system.

I have nothing to say, absolutely nothing.

*Joss Stone's "Jet Lag"

Once You Start The Game, You Have Already Lost

My definition of a successful relationship is two people who are better together than apart, two complements. This does not say much. It is centered around my favorite economic concept, mutual benefit of exchange. Two people expanding their production possibilities frontiers by being together.

But ML simplified the definition. She said a successful relationship is two people who make each other feel better. Two people who boosts each other's self-image. ML's definition is cleaner because the individuals within the relationship define success. My definition can be misinterpreted to allow for a mythical social force that defines "better together than apart."

These definitions apply to many types of relationships. They are not limited to romantic ones.

As I have gotten older I have come to appreciate "role players" in my life. People who do not fit into my grand scheme but make me feel better for a period of time. I really do not have any long-term relationships except with my mother, father, and sister. Other people helped me get through moments in my life, but I do not talk to any classmates from elementary or high school or college. Sometimes I think I have made a mistake, but clean breaks are the best way for me. It keeps me focused on the future and helps me forget the past.

When you find someone you love, someone you want to wake up next to forever, someone who is not just a "role player," it must be a great feeling.

But you cannot fake love. You cannot lie to yourself. Life is about recognizing "role players." It is about being honest. Its about saying "thanks for making me feel better, but you are just subbing the star for a few minutes." It is a tough but necessary realization.

It is also mutual. A "role player" cannot be a star to one person in the relationship. One sided love cannot last.

My conclusion is that we have to examine our relationships. We have to recognize them for what they truly do: make us happier.

Why I Am Not A Democrat

The following commentary is written by Robert Tracinski:

"Over the past 40 years, the left, which still wraps itself in populist rhetoric, has been withdrawing more and more into an insular, college-educated, upper-middle-class elite, who live in their own enclaves, from which they look down on the benighted boobs in the rest of the country who don't know enough to vote for John Kerry or to enjoy enlightened films about gay cowboys."
...
"The deepest philosophical case for laissez-faire--that is, for a totally unregulated economy--is Ayn Rand's profound identification of the fact that force and the mind are opposites. To the extent that government exercises the coercive power of regulation, it diminishes the ability of individuals to engage in the rational thinking necessary for their survival."


I finished Heinlein's Tunnel In The Sky. Its a story about survival. Its about creating a society. You cannot plan a society. You have to let individuals adapt. You have to let individuals die.

The Democrats and the Republicans do not understand people are important. They want to take my humanity and make my decisions for me. I cannot let them.

"Is That What It Is?"*

I walked around the duck pond looking for inspiration. The ducks were beautiful. A flowing stream relaxes my mind. But inspiration did not come.

As I was leaving, I thought about the bad things I have done. Most of them are not evil. I have good intentions. I blame my mind and my angry heart. I think too much. I either act too fast or too slow. I see too much. All I could think about the duck pond was taxpayer dollars paid for its upkeep. It is nice but could it be nicer? Thinking is part of my problem.

Being a man means deciding between what is important and not important. If something is important then I have to follow through with it. If it is not then I have to leave it alone. The duck pond is maintained by public funds; a fact that is inconsequential to my happiness. Sometimes you have to stop caring about inconsequential details. You have to wear blinders. You have to get tunnel vision. You have to ignore your normative side and become a positivist.

*U2's "Stay (Faraway, So Close)"

Better Late Than Never

I do not understand tagging. But I think it has something to do with blogs and forms like the one below. I will not tag anyone, because I know no one.

Four Jobs I've Had:

1. Research Assistant
2. Video Store Assistant Manager
3. Grocery Store Employee
4. Maintenance Man Assistant

Four Movies I can Watch Over and Over:

1. Metropolitan
2. Dr. Strangelove
3. American Beauty
4. Rattle and Hum "Fuck the Revolution"

Four Places I've Lived:

1. Crozet, VA
2. Bridgewater, VA
3. Blacksburg, VA
4. Stretching it but Munoz, Nueva Ecija, Philippines

Four TV Shows I Love:

1. The Andy Griffith Show
2. Sanford and Son
3. Everybody Loves Raymond
4. Seinfeld

Four Places I've Vacationed:

1. Myrtle Beach, SC
2. Nags Head, NC
3. Orlando, FL
4. Wherever Dollywood is in Tennessee

Four Of My Favorite Dishes:

1. Eggplant alla Parmagiana
2. Good North Carolina Pork Barbecue
3. My Grandfather's macaroni and Cheese
4. My Mother's Corned Beef Casserole

Four Sites I Visit Daily:

1. ESPN.com
2. D3football.com and bridgewaterfootball.com
3. Daily News Record (dnronline.com)
4. Cafe Hayek and Marginal Revolution

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:

1. Crozet, VA
2. Self-confident
3. Satisfied
4. Motivated
(Better than anywhere but here)

I Get Angry

GE has been screwing me for a month. They only have appointments on Tuesday and Thursday. You can only make appointments on the phone. They send a part instead of establishing an appointment. It irritates the hell out of me. I am going to spend money instead of using the warranty. Its exactly what GE wanted me to do.

I listen to Miles' "Blue In Green," and I calm down.

The Eagles asked "did she get tired or did she just get lazy?" I cannot tell if I am tired or lazy. Part of me says you cannot be tired at twenty four. Another part of me says its been an intense twenty four years and a tough year; all I need is to catch my breath.

The one thing I have learned about life is there are highs and lows. You got to get through both. Getting through is life. (I also learned you do not argue abortion. It never turns out well.)

How I Spent My Afternoon

I spent four hours writing two Emails. One consisted of two lines. I make ant hills mountains. It is who I am.

I am listening to the Jimi Hendrix tribute. Its a great collection. It captures Hendrix's blues roots while pumping rock and roll through every song.

I watched the autistic basketball player's video again. I got choked up, but I do not know what to think about it. There is a lot of stories on the end of the bench that never get a shot. You have to keep sports competitive. Sports cannot become professional wrestling.

The Braves pitching staff does not seem to be sharp yet. Maybe Mazzone was magic. We will see.

I am going to buy boxers, so I do not have to wash clothes. Its nice to not have to worry about money. My lack of worry will bite me in the ass in a few months, but I will have twenty pair of boxers.

The Outlaw's "Green Grass And High Tides"

"In a place you only dream of
Where your soul is always free
Silver stages, golden curtains
Filled my head, plain as can be
As a rainbow grew round the sun
All the stars I've love who died
Came from somewhere beyond the scene you see
These lovely people played just for me
Now if I let you see this place
Where stories all ring true
Will you let me past your face
To see what's really you
It's not for me I ask these questions
As though I were a king
For you have to love, believe and feel
Before the burst of tamborines take you there

(chorus)
Green grass and high tides forever
Castles of stone souls and glory
Lost faces say we adore you
As kings and queens bow and play for you

Those who don't believe me
Find your souls and set them free
Those who do, believe and love
As time will be your key
Time and time again I've thanked them
For a piece of mind
They helped me find myself
Amongst the music and the rhyme
That enchants you there

(repeat chorus)"

This is by far the greatest song these guys ever wrote. We all have one great work of art in us. We really do.

I Am Bald And Other Truths

I am bald and will be for the rest of my life.

I envy others' success.

I am fat and will be for the rest of my life.

I eat compulsively.

I love women but hate the them at the same time.

I am compulsive.

I am intelligent but not intellectual.

I question societal norms without attempting to understand them.

I am lazy, but I care.

I like the idea of drinking wine much more than the taste.

I believe sex should be sacred, but I would doom myself to hell's eternity to sleep with a beautiful woman (well, any woman).

I think too highly of myself.

I worry that I will not be able to please a woman.

I worry that I am a sick pervert.

I am a sick pervert.

I worry about ending up alone.

I worry about ending up alone and not enjoying the company.

I worry about looking in the mirror and hating what I see.

Worrying is alright if you live.

How Did You Sleep?

I took the night off to clean my apartment. I fell asleep watching the original Dukes of Hazzard and cleaned very little. It will get done, and if it does not, its not the end of the world.

Today I discovered how little I understand about life. I said that in my last post too. I do not know.

I am going to bed. I will sleep wonderfully.

From U2's "God Part II"

"I don't believe that rock'n'roll
Can really change the world
As it spins in revolution
Spirals and turns"

Maybe Bono is an Austrian economist. No.

So Much To Learn

I told ML that I could never love a woman whose first language was not English. She gave me one of those "you have so much to learn" smiles and let me keep talking.

As I got on the bus, I remembered the smile. I was going to Email her about it. Could I not get an American, English, Irish, or Australian girl? Was I so socially inept that my best hope was a mail order bride? Was I repugnant?

Then an Asian woman got on the bus. She was sitting there thousands of miles away from her friends and family. She had to be lonely. She was struggling to deal with herself. She was just like me.

A countrywoman of her's got on the bus. And they talked and laughed. I wish I could capture the happiness in their smiles. It was such a release for them. They probably had not really conversed with anyone all day. I did not understand a word they said, but I knew how they felt. It had nothing to do with words. It was about two people being there for one another.

ML is right once again. I have so much to learn.

Failure, Good Film, And Me

I failed a test. I have no one to blame except for myself. I must accept the consequences.

I saw a good film. It was about the one story we are meant to write. It was about getting what you want then realizing it came at a high cost. It was about getting what you want and having no energy to enjoy it.

I am learning how to deal with me. An alpha couple flustered me at the movie. So what? Its like Nic the Greek says, "there are no alphas." I am not in high school anymore. I will never be happy with myself until I am satisfied with myself.

Talking (Written In The Spring Of 2003)

They were walking in the park. They were holding hands. She was talking about something, some moment in her meaningless day that did not warrant conversation. He was faithfully acting like he cared while the Spring fragrances aroused him.

He thought about love. Was this love? Or was it the idea of being in love? Did it matter? A woman was holding his hand telling him forgettable details about her mundane life. She was not the woman of his dreams, but she was a woman who didn’t mind holding his hand on a beautifully scented night.

He decided one could never be sure about love. One could definitely not rely on word of mouth. He had spouted out ‘love you’ far too many times to believe in one’s voice. Actions were what mattered.

He took action. He grabbed his partner. He wrapped his arms around her. He passionately kissed her lips. He forced her against a nearby tree. His hand sneaked up her blouse. Her hands grasped his buttocks.

The embrace did not last, but it ended the talking.

"You Keep Carrying That Anger; It Will Eat You Up Inside"*

Marx was an a angry man. Anger drives some men. It gets them out bed in the morning. It feeds their ego. It feeds their soul.

U2 (a member of U2) said that you get to a point in life where you cannot be angry any more. You cannot live your whole life angry. It is no way to live.

Anger has driven me for twenty four years. One of my first memories is not getting a Fresh Prince CD I wanted while my sister got the Bon Jovi CD she wanted. I remember my grandfather yelling at an All-Star coach for not playing me. I remember another All-Star coach playing his son instead of me. I remember being 2nd Team All Jefferson District. I remember not winning Bridgewater's scholar athlete award. I remember the Neo-Marxist microeconomics professor. These things anger me.

The little ambition I have is driven by anger. It is a death trap. It is the road to an insignificant life. You cannot live life angry. It condemns you to a prison, where you are the warden, the guards, and the executioner.

What is the alternative?

I want to answer love. But I have no idea what love means. I have never gotten a satisfactory definition, maybe that is why I am angry.

My answer is satisfaction. It is looking in the mirror, admitting your flaws, accepting them, and moving forward with your life. It is a quiet confidence.

You cannot go through life angry. Marx died an impoverished man who was wrong. A man whose anger clouded his intellect and vision of the world.

*"The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms"

from Don Henley's "Heart of the Matter"

She Did Not Wipe The Treadmill Down

I rode for 30 minutes. She finished. I waited thirty seconds. She went out the door without wiping the machine down. I waited another thirty minutes to see if she would come out of the lockeroom.

Maybe she thought I was stalking her. I do not care for anyone who thinks that someone is stalking them.

I am not much on people who did not wipe the machines down either. I think it is a useless procedure. But you are supposed to do it.

I do not know.

You cannot go through life angry.

The Trains Ran On Time In NAZI Germany

(I wrote this post before the New Year. When I say "I do not want to feel bad," I am committing myself to determine why I feel bad. I am not saying that I never feel bad. It is obvious that I feel bad most of the time.)

This morning the bus left two minutes early, so I got in my car and drove. It would have sucked if I did not have a car.

I am trying to solve the contradiction between my appreciation of porn and my views on sex.

My goal in life is to purge emotions. I find no value in the primitive. There is no value in being cold from nakedness and lack of shelter. There is no value in hunger. There is no culture in poverty. I do not want to feel bad.

I appreciate beauty. Dave Brubeck's "Somewhere" makes me cry. Chekov and Hemingway's short stories excite me. Scoop Jackson's journalism elicits patriotic feelings. I do not want to be emotionless. I want to control my emotions. Being able to control emotions is humanity. It is God-like.

When I cry, I want to know why I am crying. When I am patriotic, I want to know why I am patriotic. When I love, I want to know why I am in love.

We have to get-off. We cannot bottle emotions and wait for ulcers.

This is where porn fits into the discussion. Porn consists of two consenting individuals having sex for monetary gain. They openly admit there actions are for pecuniary purposes. There are no implied contracts. The risks have been accounted for and reconciled. Emotions are being controlled.

Emotions are not controlled in many sexual relations. There usually is an implicit contract not fully understood by one party. Risks are not accounted for and not reconciled. The two parties do not understand why they are engaging in sexual activity.

Porn helps me control my emotions.

Three Bills, A Wagon Wheel, And 14 X 225 And Texas Ruby Red Grapefruit

I benched 300 pounds (three bills), 315 pounds (a wagon wheel), and 225 pounds fourteen times. I can be happy about that for a few hours.

I ate a Texas Ruby Red Grapefruit. I have experienced few things better. It was like Bono biting the pear in the "Beautiful Day" video. Hope, relief, forgiveness, beauty, and life captured by a fructose rush.

I talked to a guy in the gym who was reading Krugman's newest book. I have written my thoughts on Krugman. I appreciate him, but I do not agree with him. The discussion made me want to publish a book. It reminded me why I chose to be an economist.

The Holy Trinity And Finding Religion

I am reading Galbraith's Economics, Peace and Laughter, Rand's The Romantic Manifesto, and Bastiat's The Law. They are all good reads. They emphasize the importance of the individual. They all step beyond positivism and venture into what should be. All three make me think.

A professor sent David Brook's NY Times editorial this morning about the significance of culture and the insignificance of economics. He refuses to say what culture is right. Economics supports a classical liberal society. It is significant in teaching the advantages of that society. Of course, culture matters. Of course, changing people's culture is difficult. But for significant change to occur, we must admit that our culture is better. We must champion Bastiat's philosophical fundamentals "personality, liberty, property" or Jefferson's "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (property)." Bastiat also called them "existence, faculties, and assimilation." Those fundamentals must be our Holy Trinity.

I must regress into personal introspection. It is clear "I am looking for answers in a woman's eyes" (paraphrased from U2's "Slow Dancing".) I made it a priority to find a woman.

My college roommate found religion chasing after two beautiful women.

When this pursuit did not materialize, he fell in love with another woman. He did not sleep in the room often his senior year. He lost religion. He quit track. He barely graduated. He almost got in legal trouble. I almost had to beat his ass for involving me in his legal trouble.

But he was in love. It was a great experience for him.

I want feedback. I want a woman to talk to, a woman who pays attention to me. My roommate wanted similar things. But these are not needs. They have to be balanced with my other wants. They cannot supersede graduation, religion and friends.

I always thought that U2's "Love is...a dangerous idea that almost makes sense" was poignant. Love as an idea appeals to me. It is what makes me think I can go find a woman. It puts the game in my hands.

ML thought love could not be reduced to a sentence. She is right.

"You're Dangerous; You Don't Know What You Want"*

How can I expect to be in a relationship when I cannot take care of myself?

I subscribed to the Mises Institute's daily article. Yesterday's article considered the legacy of Bastiat. The weekend edition consisted of a translation of Bastiat's "The Law". They are too long to read, but I am Wannabe Bastiat.

I argued with an American about Wal-Mart. He finally admitted he wanted to go back to the horse and buggy. He wanted to make everyone's decisions.

You cannot have microbreweries without Wal-Mart. You cannot have wealth without freedom.

Most people dislike people more successful than them. They cannot compete, so they bastardize the rules. Some sports writers are examples. They attack athletes not for journalistic reasons but jealousy of the athlete's superior skill.

*Before this line: "You're dangerous; 'cause you're honest" from U2's "Who Is Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?" I used to turn off the lights in my room and listen to this song over and over again. Read the lyrics. The song is one of the reasons I am screwed up. The song is about loss. But, "don't turn around." You cannot worry about sunk costs.

Dealing With Me And Why That Hardly Matters

An inner conversation:
"They've killed my will to live."

"Who are they?"
(Silence)

"There is no they."


I am lazy. I have mental health issues. I cannot deny these facts.

I have not done anything for the past three days. The reasons behind this laziness is a blend of infatuation, self-pity, and depressing fear. I am scared to fail.

I am scared of assimilation. I see myself becoming what I hate. I have no passion for research. A guy suggested transferring to another program. I had to explain to him its not the program but the life in general. I do not want to get out of bed in the morning.

My grandfather had survived the Great Depression and won WWII by the time he was my age. My father had lost his mother, watched his brother go to Vietnam, and had driven trucks to Carolina on two hours sleep. I am not saying their experiences were better than mine. But, I realize my current pursuits might not be utility maximizing.

With all this being said, I have to make one final push to see what happens. I have to get that "lethal ape" mentality not the "hungover fuck-you" attitude I have now. I have to find out once and for all.

Vulnerability Versus Fear

Victims are vulnerable.

I am not vulnerable. I am afraid. Any intelligent person deals with fear. Decisions require choosing between outcomes. These outcomes are not certain. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you do not try. Fear is a consequence of rationality. Its a consequence of caring about the future. There is nothing wrong with fear. Humanity necessitates fear.

An inner city child with a crack addict mother is vulnerable. An infatuated graduate student who cannot talk to a girl in the gym is afraid.

The economic way of thinking requires me to be skeptical. It requires me to make inferences from observations. It also requires me to be non-judgmental.

"Nice flowers, Erica"
"Thank You"
--an overheard conversation between statistics graduate students

Smiley Faces, Exclamation Points And Why Life Is So Funny

I pray this post does not offend any of my readers.

I have never understood exclamation points, so I certainly do not understand smiley faces.

Smiling is a personal emotional response. Does a smiley face mean you want me to smile? Does it mean you smiled while you were writing? If that is true, aren't you like the comic who laughs at his own jokes? I just do not get it. Let your writing elicit emotions. Do not tell me how I feel.

Smiley faces confuses communication. What purpose do they serve? If someone could explain smiley faces and exclamation points to me I would greatly appreciate it.

With that rant out of the way, life is hilarious.

I am infatuated with a girl I know nothing about except that she comes to the gym. Her gym schedule has changed, slowly (but surely) decreasing my infatuation. "Out of sight, out of mind."

Basically, I think my life is boring. I am looking for something to excite me, something to happen.

But then I read ML's sister's comment on ML's blog and see how funny life is.

Not knowing what is going to happen next is enough excitement for me.

U2's Achtung Baby

I forgot how good Achtung Baby was. From "Zoo Station" to "Love Is Blindness", the album energizes me. It was the first U2 album I ever listened to. The wall had come down and hope was abound.

"I am ready
Ready to say I'm glad to be alive" from "Zoo Station."

The reason I am impressed by intensity is that I do not have any right now.

For example,I forgot my homework in the office. I came back to work on it. Instead of working, I have screwed around on the internet. Sometimes I think its boredom. But it is laziness.

"Sunrise like a nose bleed
Your head hurts and you can't breath
You've been trying to throw your arms around the world"
from "Tryin' To Your Arms Around The World"

Great album.

Discussion

Yesterday I had a discussion with a superior Indian colleague. We discussed the futility of economics. We discussed how people matter. We discussed making the world better.

Today I had a discussion with a superior American colleague. We argued. He was a Christian who put his faith in faith. He blamed the world's problems on selfishness. He said the Bible showed people the ideal utility function based on selflessness. He talked about solving small problems. He had faith that small answers would solve big problems. He had faith in a collective good. He told me I had no clear vision.

I agree.

I see the ideal as individuals pursuing their personal interests. I see limited government. I see a society valuing productivity. I see individuals reaching their potential. I see a society which recognizes there are "no conflicts of interests among men."

Another Stupid Thing I Have Done

I have been observing this woman in the weightroom for four months. She is a hard worker. She has a rare intensity.

Today she is wearing shorts from a small college I know. This is the perfect conversation starter.

I tried to outride her on the bike. The only reason I was riding was to talk to her when she got done.

Of course, I could not wait. She had slowed down to a cool down pace for at least five minutes. (I told you she is intense.) So, I get off the bike. I wipe it down. I walk to her. I sit the bottle and towel down. Out of the blue, "Did you go to Mary Washington?" She takes her headphones off reluctantly and answered, "yes." "I went to Bridgewater." She gives me the 'who cares, I am doing something here' look. I do not know when to stop, "did you play sports?" She answers that she played softball. I mumble something about DIII and run to the showers knowing that I have lost.

She is intense. I should have sucked it up and rode the bike until she was done.

The next time I see her, I am going to tell the truth. "I have wanted to talk to you for months, but I am too scared to have anything to say. I also think you are on the outer limits of my league, so why don't we give it a try?" Or, I could say "baby, I could walk you all the way home."

I really want to know why she works so hard.


I am reading John Kenneth Galbraith's Economics Peace and Laughter. I despise Galbraith. But like with his forefathers Marx and Veblen a good economist must read him. He is the foundation for many economists' philosophies.

I am an uninteresting guy, very uninteresting.

I Do Not Know

ML pointed out the incoherence and contradictions in my last post. Everyone has different values; so what? The post had no normative purpose. It was like saying the sky is blue.

This post is no better.

We all have to make decisions. These decisions are based on our value system.

Many people refuse to reflect on their value system. This refusal bothers me. I know very few people (including myself) who could explain or justify their value system. We refuse to self-inspect (self-reflect) and ask why. We are not honest with ourselves. Therefore we cannot be honest with anyone else. We ignore value systems altogether. It is much easier that way.

Ask a Republican how they can support the death penalty and oppose abortion. Ask Democrats how they can support free speech but oppose reduced taxes. What value system supports these contradictions? How can we expect to feed the poor while we support small American farmers?

Living requires solving problems. Productivity is solving (non-trivial) problems, not solving them halfway but digging deep and finding answers. Until one delves into his value system he cannot successfully solve problems. His answers have no foundations.

My poorly argued point is that values matter. They should not be ignored. They should be challenged. They should be continuously questioned.

This post is going nowhere. "You have to stand for something or you will fall for anything." You have to be able to say "I am right." There can be no subjectivity in one's values.

285 X 2 X 3 X 2

I have three things hanging up in my apartment. In my living room, there is a map of the Philippines and a commemorative painting of the Bridgewater's 2001 Stagg Bowl team. My mother bought and hung these. I broke my leg in 2001, so I watched the 2001 Stagg Bowl from the stands. My leg still hurts on cold days. The Philippines map is just something on the wall.

My Bridgewater diploma hangs in my bedroom. I guess I am proud of it, but I know its just a piece of paper.

I have another picture that is not hung. (My mother forgot about it before she left.) It is a newspaper picture of Crozet Pizza. On the left of Crozet Pizza is Maupins' Music and Video. I could look at that picture all day. The little video store was the foundation for the diploma, the Philippines, and the Stagg Bowl. It is where I learned about life. It was where I learned the importance of productivity and value added. It was where I learned to take chances. It was where I learned that failure was sunk. I am lumping the video store with Crozet (my house and the grocery store and the schools), but my values came from the video store.

The other pictures are incompatible with my video store values.

I love football. But it is a game played by boys searching for their childhood (especially at the DIII level.) I will not say it is destructive, but it is certainly not productive. My leg, shoulder, and elbow hurts tonight.

Education can be useful. But what matters is what you do with your education. I am doing nothing with it.

The last statement leads us right into the Philippines. The Philippines is full of potential, but I did not help it reach its potential. I probably hurt it.

Some of my colleagues have different values than I do. Their video store was academia. It was the classroom. They have an easier time accepting diplomas and expense paid trips to developing countries.

Other colleagues have similar values to me. Instead of video stores, they might have farms. Some like myself get caught up in envy of the others and compromise everything we know is true. Others make courageous decisions and continue to strive for the ideal. They refuse to sell their values for lies.

My life is about me. I do not know what will happen tomorrow, but I cannot wait to find out.

I Keep Coming Back

You cannot fake life. You cannot change the past. "There is no conflict of interests among men."

When I was in the sixth grade, I came to the conclusion that everything was everyone's fault. If I was a great scientist I could have predicted the tsunami. If I was a great preacher there would be peace in the Middle East.

It was simple logic (from a simple boy), but it has some Truth in it. I see people hurting one another. I see people who enjoy others' misfortune. I see walking contradictions. I see people whose have no answers for their actions. I see people who do not care about answers. And worse, I see people who know answers but refuse to live them. People who know a better way but will not pursue it. We must be responsible for ourselves. We must fix the problem then the blame; we all deserve some blame when the problem is not fixed.

"Well if I had one wish in this god forsaken world, kids
It'd be that your mistakes would be your own
Yea your sins would be your own" from Bruce Springseen's "Long Time Comin' (Thanks ML)

I fit into the category that refuses to live the answers I have found. It is a sad place to be.

R.E.M's "Waking Up In Reno"

Bruce Springsteen's "Reno"

She took off her stockings, I held them to my face.
She had your ankles, I felt filled with grace.
"Two hundred dollars straight in,
Two-fifty up the ass," she smiled and said.
She unbuckled my belt, pulled back her hair,
And sat in front of me on the bed.
She said, "Honey how's that feel, do you want me to go slow?"
My eyes drifted out the window, down to the road below.

I felt my stomach tighten. The sun bloodied the sky
And sliced through the hotel blinds. I closed my eyes.
Sunlight on the Amatitlan, sunlight streaming thru your hair.
In the Valle de dos Rios, smell of mock orange filled the air.
We rode with the vaqueros, down into cool rivers of green.
I was sure the work and that smile coming out 'neath your hat
Was all I'd ever need.
Somehow all you ever need's, never really quite enough you know.
You and I, Maria, we learned it's so.

She slipped me out of her mouth, "You're ready," she said.
She took off her bra and panties, wet her finger, slipped it inside her,
And crawled over me on the bed.
She poured me another whisky,
Said, "Here's to the best you ever had."
We laughed and made a toast.
It wasn't the best I ever had,
Not even close.


ML and I discussed the meaning of this song yesterday.

ML says that it is about losing "the best I ever had." It is about the past. ML is right.

I said it is about disappointment. It is about going to Reno hoping that it held answers then realizing it did not. It is the crack addict who spends his life searching for that first hit. It is the businessman who works seventy hours a week looking at what he has sacrificed. It is about searching for answers but realizing "it wasn't the best I ever had." It is about the present.

I ignored the second stanza and the last sentence being in the past tense. Springsteen's intentions are similar to ML's interpretation.

But my interpretation represents my philosophical foundations. Maria is a sunk cost. She is gone. Your memories hurt, but memories are a curable disease. Reno and a $200 hooker was not the answer, but the search continues. Maria is not the source of discontent. The discontent comes from knowing that the best is out there. You know it is out there because you have had better and even that was not the best.

The other interpretation sees men as hopeless. The pain of lost love lasts forever. Hookers cannot cure it. Nothing can cure it. Saddam Hussein was horrible, but Iraq will always be horrible. The US should not have invaded Iraq; we are wrong for still being there. Mankind is hopeless.

If that is Springsteen's intention, he is wrong. I wish he could have seen the passion and hope in Filipino farmers' eyes. I wish he could see the best thing he could do for people would be to get out of their way.

Sidenote: Iran's nuclear weapons do not scare me. Their philosophical foundations (as does Springsteen and Bono's) threatens the world. Until the Western world is willing to address these foundations there is no use interfering with Iran.

Yesterday Does Not Matter; Today Is The Only Day I Can Act

"...In some cases, a man's sense of life is better (closer to the truth) than the kind of ideas he accepts. In other cases, his sense of life is much worse than the ideas he professes to accept but is unable to fully practice. Ironically enough, it is man's emotions, in such cases, that act as avengers of his neglected or betrayed intellect.

In order to live, men must act; in order to act, he must make choices; in order to make choices, he must define a code of values; in order to define a code of values, he must know what he is and where he is--ie he must know his own nature (including his means of knowledge) and the nature of the universe in which he acts..."~Ayn Rand The Romantic Manifesto pg. 30

I see what I want to see. People see what they want to see. People rarely read or think; they see or hear a line and go from there. This practice is apparent in Email exchanges. It is apparent in this blog.

All week I have thought about the Animal House quote, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life." Some people go through life "fat, drunk and stupid." They never think about what life really means. They never make a conscience decision to do what is right. They do not care about right and wrong. They do not care about morals or ideals. They are pragmatic realists.

I downloaded Jackson Browne's Greatest Hits mainly for "The Pretender": "I am going to be a happy idiot and struggle for the legal tender."

Maybe pretending is all we can do.

I Am A Pious Bastard

It is true. I do the right thing (most of the time). I will tell people that I am right (most of the time).

This does not mean that I expect people to change their behavior to match mine. I will not coerce them to be like me. People should be able to do what they want. I should never use coercion (government) to interfere with other people who are not interfering with me.

I can still voice the view that I am right. I can also listen to others. I do not know what is best for someone else. I only know what is best for me.

The problem with most politicians (both Democrat and Republican) is they will not tell us that they are God and can make better decisions for us than we can.

"What can government do for your industry?"
"Leave us alone." paraphrased from Bastiat

"Never underestimate the power of local knowledge." Des Hautea (One of the directors of the project that pays me)

"Wrap her up in a package of lies. Send her off to a coconut isle" Adam Duritz (Counting Crows)

R.E.M's "Hope"

You want to go out Friday
And you want to go forever.
You know that it sounds childish
That you've dreamt of alligators.
You hope that we are with you
And you hope you're recognized
You want to go forever
You see it in my eyes.
I'm lost in the confusion
And it doesn't seem to matter
You really can't believe it
And you hope it's getting better.

You want to trust the doctors
Their procedure is the best
But the last try was a failure
And the intern was a mess.
And they did the same to Matthew
And he bled 'til Sunday night
They're "saying don't be frightened",
But you're weakened by the sight of it
You lock into a pattern
And you know that it's the last ditch
You're trying to see through it
And it doesn't make sense
But they're saying don't be frightened
And they're killing alligators
And they're hog-tied and accepting of the struggle

You want to trust religion
And you know it's allegory
But the people who are followers
Have written their own story
So you look up to the heavens
And you hope that it's a spaceship
And it's something from your childhood
You're thinking don't be frightened

You want to climb the ladder
You want to see forever
You want to go out Friday
And you want to go forever.
And you want to cross your DNA
To cross your DNA with something reptile.
And you're questioning the sciences
And questioning religion
You're looking like an idiot
And you no longer care.
And you want to bridge the schism,
A built-in mechanism to protect you.
And you're looking for salvation
And you're looking for deliverance
You're looking like an idiot
And you no longer care.
You want to climb the ladder
You want to see forever
You want to go out Friday
You want to go forever.

Why I Lift? And Concerning The Ideal Woman

ML asked if I was a pretty boy. If I am a pretty boy then I am a hapless failure.

Everyone has to get close to God (Truth). Truth and I meet in the weight room. When I am lifting weights, He cleanses my soul. He allows me to get glimpses of the Ideal Life and Ideal Man. He protects me from injury and strikes me with soreness to remind me of Him. The weight room is where I pray. It is where I try to mold myself into His image.

I am not saying there is no social aspect to it. But I used to lift at Bridgewater at 6:00AM. Sometimes I was by myself or with 65 year old Coach Spencer. When Coach Spencer was there, I knew Truth was with me.

Concerning the ideal woman:

I am scared of rejection. This fear is normal. It is the fear of not controlling your own destiny.

Mostly, I am scared of myself:

I am scared of love. I am scared of being whipped. I am scared of being duped. I am scared of unconditionally caring. I am scared of heartbreak.

I am scared that someone will love me without me loving them. This fear is more intense than being whipped. I cannot stand hurting someone else. Its like killing someone while driving. Destroying your own life is more tolerable than destroying someone else's.

I am scared I have no ideals.

I am scared I will talk myself out of my ideals and lose the woman of my dreams.

I am scared I reject women, because I want their mind. I want them to challenge me in impossible ways. I am scared that I ask too much.

I am scared I will be dishonest. I can lie. I think too much to not know some lies.

Again, I am scared of myself.

Of course, most of these fears are vain dribble, but it takes vanity to get over the fear of rejection.


My mother is a wonderful person. All she does is love. She is not dumb but she contributed very little to my intellect. Her unconditional love has helped me grow in numerous ways, but our philosophical foundations differ.

Her relationship with my father (who I relate to better) is fine, but I want something different. I want to have deep conversations. I want someone to challenge me intellectually. I want someone who enjoys Miles. I want someone to tell me what Natalie Merchant means in "Stockton Gala Days". I want to talk to someone about Ibsen's and Chekhov's plays. I want a woman who appreciates selling. I want feedback.

These wants scare me. Are they too much? Are they too little? Should I just want love? Is love I all I can get?

I do not like setting goals, but here is one: I am going to find a date for the Chick Corea concert in either Charlottesville or Roanoke.

Goal setting is stupid.

A Lonely Normativist Rationalizing His Existence

I was never lonely
Until I the wind made my bones ache

I was never happy
Until I understood what I was seeing in a woman's smile

I have been told
The world is all we have
Unfortunately,
I believe it is true

I went searching for something different
All I found was the same

I will not live with shame;

While you distress
I will be true

While you lie
I will be acquitted due to your guilt

300 Pound Bench Press

When I threw shotput, I would work myself into a fury. I would find a competitor whose existence infuriated me. Anger got the hormones flowing. Anger stimulated me. Anger aided my performance.

I will still get mad in the weight room to push myself. Today was one of those days. I needed a stimulant to get me through three sets of five of 265. I needed something to compensate for my four hours of sleep. I did all three sets. I can still max at least 300.

The thing about this technique is that I have to come down. At track meets it only took finishing and looking at beautiful women run around the track. In the weight room it only takes finishing the bench press. I cannot get motivated for any other lift.

Today after finishing the bench, I realized the futility of my existence. I was so happy about that bench workout. What for? I commented on ML's blog about how people matter not worldly things. People are the only source of long-term happiness. You have to love yourself. You have to be happy in your own world, but people are more important than bench presses.

I looked around and saw a bunch of pretty boys and pretty girls trying to look better for each other. (I have always wanted to make a documentary on women going to the gym. There are so many stories there. It could say something about society. This project is right behind my book about my graduate school experience.) To many people lifting is a social event. I have never liked that attitude. Lifting has always been a spiritual experience for me.

Deep down, most people in the weight room are looking for a release. Something to break up their boring day. They are just looking for a better way. Who can blame them?

The quality of my posts are going to hell.

Is It Later Than I Think?

I am finishing (copying) an assignment that has no meaning, no value. It is PhD busy work. Maybe I am just not putting in the effort. "Did she get tired or did she just get lazy"--The Eagles

I went to my first Condo Association meeting. Some people crave power. It is sad. Very few are willing to admit to the insignificance of associations and such. People desire external gratification.

It is one of those nights when it would be wonderful to have someone to go home to. Someone who you would try to not disturb while hoping they wanted to be disturbed. Someone whose smile made you forget about meaningless assignments. Someone who was going to be there when you got out of bed.

Wow, that rambling was sappy. But it begs, is it later than I think?

No Matter If I Pass, Time Will Pass

A guy told me this yesterday.

Life will continue. My frustration will end. Nobody cares. All I can do is keep living and when the time comes make the best decision I can.

"Time is a train. Makes the future the past. Leaves you standing, your face pressed against the glass." U2

I just saw Lena Horne on Sanford and Son. It was one of the funniest episodes I have ever seen.

I love women. They are the most interesting thing on Earth.

No, that is not true. The combination of what they do to men with their superior beauty is what is so interesting.

Interesting things should be studied. But how can an inferior creature study a superior one?

Green Fees

Apparently the Virginia Tech student body supports a 'green fee' to keep the campus environmentally sound.

I do not support a green fee. An editorialist did not support it. But the student body supports it. Both the Graduate Student Assembly and the Undergraduate Student Government put their stamp of approval on it in the students' name.

All student fees are coercion. They are extortion. I am willing to give money to keep this campus looking nice, but I should not be forced to give it to the administration. An administration that will spend at least 25% in overhead expenses.

Economists greatest failure is that the students who proposed the green fee did not start an organization to improve the campus without coercion and the administration. An organization responsible to its supporters, an organization that did not rely on extortion. We have not taught the ambitious students the economic way of thinking. We have taught them how to steal from the minority and put faith in bureaucracy.

But the student body supports the green fee.

Statistics lie. Averages and majorities say very little especially without the economic way of thinking.

A Tribute To R.E.M.'s "Hope"

Here is the deal;
What I feel

The past cannot eat me alive
Memories are a curable disease

The Truth is most people I cannot please

I have chosen a path
Now I must deal with its wrath

"Hog-tied and accepting of the struggle"
Let them be;
But I will be free
Whatever the hell that means:

Search for Truth
Question my surroundings
Don't let convention make me afraid

When everyone asks why;
I tell them

When everyone tells me;
I ask why?

No, I was not born to fly
But Daddy forced me not to cry

In the end,
All I can do is try

An Edited Email To A Colleague

I might have been around Spanos for too long, but I have very little faith in the empirical side of economics. Levitt's article has been criticized. I am not smart enough to tell who is right. But I think it is a trivial debate. Statistics is (educated) guessing. Economic issues like abortion are too complicated to be modeled and empirically tested (especially with data limitations).

The economic idea that abortion leads to less crime, ceteris paribus, is more important than the statistics. It makes sense. The economic way of thinking, the search for unintended consequences, the skepticism, the rebellion against the status quo is what is important. The statistics can neither prove or disprove today's abortion effects on tomorrow's crime. The economic logic is what matters.

I like what Levitt is doing. Tim Harford is doing similar things. We have to take economics to the marks (public). We have to write readable books. We have to introduce the public to the economic way of thinking. We have to study everyday issues and present our findings in an accessible way.

I am not a big fan of the apolitical economist. Of course, I think all economists should be libertarians. Abortion is a private choice. Government has no role in it. You can run as many statistical models as you want, but you're not going to change the fact that a woman who gets an abortion does not interfere with others rights. There is no public good argument. Costs are internalized. It is her decision not 500 white men in Washington. The majority's perceived moral superiority is not protected by the Constitution.

After meeting with the (professor) candidates the last few weeks, my impression is that economics is applied statistics. Economists are smart guys using complicated tools to make trivial conclusions. Very few are dealing with the fundamental economic problem of creating wealth (utility). They are not making the world a better place. Most economists are just keeping themselves fed. They are doing what others are doing. They are publishing meaningless papers in journals that no one reads.

I have no idea how the economic profession can be changed. I have no idea of what I am going to do. But the discussion of what economists should do must take place.

"It Makes Me Want To Um..."

I been talking economic philosophy all day. I say it is not enough to draw a map. Everyone else says a map is all that we can do.

I enjoy talking economic philosophy. So many people put their faith in government. I guess it is bred into us. The best government can do is mirror what individuals do. The best it can do is mirror the market. Democracy has nothing to do with individual liberty. Government cannot interfere with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I wanted so badly to make this a non-personal post, but it is not working.

"Why couldn't you be content
With the love I gave oh yeah
I gave you my heart
But you wanted my mind, oh yeah"
(the above and the title are from Joss Stone's version of "The Chokin' Kind")

This lyric scares the hell out of me.

I hope I would be content, but I certainly like the mind. I spend so much time arguing. Could this be me? (I know, love is mutual. I need to read my last post.)

Suicide, Penguins, Bad Poets, Dreams, And Dreamers

Down the street I went
What for?
Who cares?

You can't worry about why
When you're getting ready to die

There are days when I wait for something
That isn't about to come
I need an absolute release

But,
What good is a dead man?
What good is a penguin in the Virginia summer?
What good is a bad poet?
What good is a dream that cannot come true?
What good is a dreamer of dreams that cannot come true?
What good is anything?

What for?
Who cares?
Down the street I go

Skin And Bones

All ought and proper
Better than everyone
Sometimes its true
But you fear the devil
And you like to revel
Well, here's the level
When its time for the bell
I'll be sure to see you in hell

The Everlasting Struggle

I went to the door
Hoping someone was there
Hoping to find someone with a care
One who understood nothing is fair

I was looking for perfection
I will be looking for a long time
And, I accept the challenge

No one has ever found a stream that always flows elegantly

In drought,
It is cracked,
Struggling for existence

In flood,
It is unchecked,
Devastating its path

Somedays it is just right

I sit on the bridge those days
I wait for a lover
To sit next to me
I wait for her
To finally set me free

But she's not at the door this time
Maybe she will never be
But I will keep answering

Credible Charities

ML told me about a local charity helping a village in the Dominican Republic called Esperanza. I was impressed.

But the economist came out in me and I replied to ML with the question, "how do we decide?" I meant to question the whole nature of charity. There are millions of cases worthy of charity, but I (we) cannot help everyone.

More importantly, how do (I) we decide what to do with these charitable cases? Something is (usually) better than nothing, but some methods are better than others. These are the most traditional and intelligent economic questions that I have come up with in a year. It almost looks like I think there is an optimal answer that I can empirically determine.

But the questions irked ML. She called me jaded. I think the question "does a rich white kid in the Dominican Republic 'sacrificing' send the right message to Dominican children?" made her angry.

What I was trying to say is that I doubt if the white kid's self-made father spent time in developing countries. Some white kids think they are doing penance for the evils of capitalism, and I do not think this attitude is appropriate to truly help the poor. Of course there are others who are more confident in the philosophical foundations of capitalism. I am not saying either of these volunteers are bad people, but there will be some adverse selection. Development takes ideological change. Some people do not have the right ideologies to help make this change.

Someone must ask these questions. The lawyer handing out food in Africa is sacrificing income that he could give to charity. Myself going to college is sacrificing going to Africa. The opportunity costs of charity must be considered. (ML was offended at the term sacrificing. I should have used opportunity costs.)

(A sidenote to ML: The indifference bothers me the most.)