"Is That What It Is?"*

I walked around the duck pond looking for inspiration. The ducks were beautiful. A flowing stream relaxes my mind. But inspiration did not come.

As I was leaving, I thought about the bad things I have done. Most of them are not evil. I have good intentions. I blame my mind and my angry heart. I think too much. I either act too fast or too slow. I see too much. All I could think about the duck pond was taxpayer dollars paid for its upkeep. It is nice but could it be nicer? Thinking is part of my problem.

Being a man means deciding between what is important and not important. If something is important then I have to follow through with it. If it is not then I have to leave it alone. The duck pond is maintained by public funds; a fact that is inconsequential to my happiness. Sometimes you have to stop caring about inconsequential details. You have to wear blinders. You have to get tunnel vision. You have to ignore your normative side and become a positivist.

*U2's "Stay (Faraway, So Close)"

Better Late Than Never

I do not understand tagging. But I think it has something to do with blogs and forms like the one below. I will not tag anyone, because I know no one.

Four Jobs I've Had:

1. Research Assistant
2. Video Store Assistant Manager
3. Grocery Store Employee
4. Maintenance Man Assistant

Four Movies I can Watch Over and Over:

1. Metropolitan
2. Dr. Strangelove
3. American Beauty
4. Rattle and Hum "Fuck the Revolution"

Four Places I've Lived:

1. Crozet, VA
2. Bridgewater, VA
3. Blacksburg, VA
4. Stretching it but Munoz, Nueva Ecija, Philippines

Four TV Shows I Love:

1. The Andy Griffith Show
2. Sanford and Son
3. Everybody Loves Raymond
4. Seinfeld

Four Places I've Vacationed:

1. Myrtle Beach, SC
2. Nags Head, NC
3. Orlando, FL
4. Wherever Dollywood is in Tennessee

Four Of My Favorite Dishes:

1. Eggplant alla Parmagiana
2. Good North Carolina Pork Barbecue
3. My Grandfather's macaroni and Cheese
4. My Mother's Corned Beef Casserole

Four Sites I Visit Daily:

1. ESPN.com
2. D3football.com and bridgewaterfootball.com
3. Daily News Record (dnronline.com)
4. Cafe Hayek and Marginal Revolution

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:

1. Crozet, VA
2. Self-confident
3. Satisfied
4. Motivated
(Better than anywhere but here)

I Get Angry

GE has been screwing me for a month. They only have appointments on Tuesday and Thursday. You can only make appointments on the phone. They send a part instead of establishing an appointment. It irritates the hell out of me. I am going to spend money instead of using the warranty. Its exactly what GE wanted me to do.

I listen to Miles' "Blue In Green," and I calm down.

The Eagles asked "did she get tired or did she just get lazy?" I cannot tell if I am tired or lazy. Part of me says you cannot be tired at twenty four. Another part of me says its been an intense twenty four years and a tough year; all I need is to catch my breath.

The one thing I have learned about life is there are highs and lows. You got to get through both. Getting through is life. (I also learned you do not argue abortion. It never turns out well.)

How I Spent My Afternoon

I spent four hours writing two Emails. One consisted of two lines. I make ant hills mountains. It is who I am.

I am listening to the Jimi Hendrix tribute. Its a great collection. It captures Hendrix's blues roots while pumping rock and roll through every song.

I watched the autistic basketball player's video again. I got choked up, but I do not know what to think about it. There is a lot of stories on the end of the bench that never get a shot. You have to keep sports competitive. Sports cannot become professional wrestling.

The Braves pitching staff does not seem to be sharp yet. Maybe Mazzone was magic. We will see.

I am going to buy boxers, so I do not have to wash clothes. Its nice to not have to worry about money. My lack of worry will bite me in the ass in a few months, but I will have twenty pair of boxers.

The Outlaw's "Green Grass And High Tides"

"In a place you only dream of
Where your soul is always free
Silver stages, golden curtains
Filled my head, plain as can be
As a rainbow grew round the sun
All the stars I've love who died
Came from somewhere beyond the scene you see
These lovely people played just for me
Now if I let you see this place
Where stories all ring true
Will you let me past your face
To see what's really you
It's not for me I ask these questions
As though I were a king
For you have to love, believe and feel
Before the burst of tamborines take you there

(chorus)
Green grass and high tides forever
Castles of stone souls and glory
Lost faces say we adore you
As kings and queens bow and play for you

Those who don't believe me
Find your souls and set them free
Those who do, believe and love
As time will be your key
Time and time again I've thanked them
For a piece of mind
They helped me find myself
Amongst the music and the rhyme
That enchants you there

(repeat chorus)"

This is by far the greatest song these guys ever wrote. We all have one great work of art in us. We really do.

I Am Bald And Other Truths

I am bald and will be for the rest of my life.

I envy others' success.

I am fat and will be for the rest of my life.

I eat compulsively.

I love women but hate the them at the same time.

I am compulsive.

I am intelligent but not intellectual.

I question societal norms without attempting to understand them.

I am lazy, but I care.

I like the idea of drinking wine much more than the taste.

I believe sex should be sacred, but I would doom myself to hell's eternity to sleep with a beautiful woman (well, any woman).

I think too highly of myself.

I worry that I will not be able to please a woman.

I worry that I am a sick pervert.

I am a sick pervert.

I worry about ending up alone.

I worry about ending up alone and not enjoying the company.

I worry about looking in the mirror and hating what I see.

Worrying is alright if you live.

How Did You Sleep?

I took the night off to clean my apartment. I fell asleep watching the original Dukes of Hazzard and cleaned very little. It will get done, and if it does not, its not the end of the world.

Today I discovered how little I understand about life. I said that in my last post too. I do not know.

I am going to bed. I will sleep wonderfully.

From U2's "God Part II"

"I don't believe that rock'n'roll
Can really change the world
As it spins in revolution
Spirals and turns"

Maybe Bono is an Austrian economist. No.

So Much To Learn

I told ML that I could never love a woman whose first language was not English. She gave me one of those "you have so much to learn" smiles and let me keep talking.

As I got on the bus, I remembered the smile. I was going to Email her about it. Could I not get an American, English, Irish, or Australian girl? Was I so socially inept that my best hope was a mail order bride? Was I repugnant?

Then an Asian woman got on the bus. She was sitting there thousands of miles away from her friends and family. She had to be lonely. She was struggling to deal with herself. She was just like me.

A countrywoman of her's got on the bus. And they talked and laughed. I wish I could capture the happiness in their smiles. It was such a release for them. They probably had not really conversed with anyone all day. I did not understand a word they said, but I knew how they felt. It had nothing to do with words. It was about two people being there for one another.

ML is right once again. I have so much to learn.

Failure, Good Film, And Me

I failed a test. I have no one to blame except for myself. I must accept the consequences.

I saw a good film. It was about the one story we are meant to write. It was about getting what you want then realizing it came at a high cost. It was about getting what you want and having no energy to enjoy it.

I am learning how to deal with me. An alpha couple flustered me at the movie. So what? Its like Nic the Greek says, "there are no alphas." I am not in high school anymore. I will never be happy with myself until I am satisfied with myself.

Talking (Written In The Spring Of 2003)

They were walking in the park. They were holding hands. She was talking about something, some moment in her meaningless day that did not warrant conversation. He was faithfully acting like he cared while the Spring fragrances aroused him.

He thought about love. Was this love? Or was it the idea of being in love? Did it matter? A woman was holding his hand telling him forgettable details about her mundane life. She was not the woman of his dreams, but she was a woman who didn’t mind holding his hand on a beautifully scented night.

He decided one could never be sure about love. One could definitely not rely on word of mouth. He had spouted out ‘love you’ far too many times to believe in one’s voice. Actions were what mattered.

He took action. He grabbed his partner. He wrapped his arms around her. He passionately kissed her lips. He forced her against a nearby tree. His hand sneaked up her blouse. Her hands grasped his buttocks.

The embrace did not last, but it ended the talking.

"You Keep Carrying That Anger; It Will Eat You Up Inside"*

Marx was an a angry man. Anger drives some men. It gets them out bed in the morning. It feeds their ego. It feeds their soul.

U2 (a member of U2) said that you get to a point in life where you cannot be angry any more. You cannot live your whole life angry. It is no way to live.

Anger has driven me for twenty four years. One of my first memories is not getting a Fresh Prince CD I wanted while my sister got the Bon Jovi CD she wanted. I remember my grandfather yelling at an All-Star coach for not playing me. I remember another All-Star coach playing his son instead of me. I remember being 2nd Team All Jefferson District. I remember not winning Bridgewater's scholar athlete award. I remember the Neo-Marxist microeconomics professor. These things anger me.

The little ambition I have is driven by anger. It is a death trap. It is the road to an insignificant life. You cannot live life angry. It condemns you to a prison, where you are the warden, the guards, and the executioner.

What is the alternative?

I want to answer love. But I have no idea what love means. I have never gotten a satisfactory definition, maybe that is why I am angry.

My answer is satisfaction. It is looking in the mirror, admitting your flaws, accepting them, and moving forward with your life. It is a quiet confidence.

You cannot go through life angry. Marx died an impoverished man who was wrong. A man whose anger clouded his intellect and vision of the world.

*"The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms"

from Don Henley's "Heart of the Matter"

She Did Not Wipe The Treadmill Down

I rode for 30 minutes. She finished. I waited thirty seconds. She went out the door without wiping the machine down. I waited another thirty minutes to see if she would come out of the lockeroom.

Maybe she thought I was stalking her. I do not care for anyone who thinks that someone is stalking them.

I am not much on people who did not wipe the machines down either. I think it is a useless procedure. But you are supposed to do it.

I do not know.

You cannot go through life angry.

The Trains Ran On Time In NAZI Germany

(I wrote this post before the New Year. When I say "I do not want to feel bad," I am committing myself to determine why I feel bad. I am not saying that I never feel bad. It is obvious that I feel bad most of the time.)

This morning the bus left two minutes early, so I got in my car and drove. It would have sucked if I did not have a car.

I am trying to solve the contradiction between my appreciation of porn and my views on sex.

My goal in life is to purge emotions. I find no value in the primitive. There is no value in being cold from nakedness and lack of shelter. There is no value in hunger. There is no culture in poverty. I do not want to feel bad.

I appreciate beauty. Dave Brubeck's "Somewhere" makes me cry. Chekov and Hemingway's short stories excite me. Scoop Jackson's journalism elicits patriotic feelings. I do not want to be emotionless. I want to control my emotions. Being able to control emotions is humanity. It is God-like.

When I cry, I want to know why I am crying. When I am patriotic, I want to know why I am patriotic. When I love, I want to know why I am in love.

We have to get-off. We cannot bottle emotions and wait for ulcers.

This is where porn fits into the discussion. Porn consists of two consenting individuals having sex for monetary gain. They openly admit there actions are for pecuniary purposes. There are no implied contracts. The risks have been accounted for and reconciled. Emotions are being controlled.

Emotions are not controlled in many sexual relations. There usually is an implicit contract not fully understood by one party. Risks are not accounted for and not reconciled. The two parties do not understand why they are engaging in sexual activity.

Porn helps me control my emotions.

Three Bills, A Wagon Wheel, And 14 X 225 And Texas Ruby Red Grapefruit

I benched 300 pounds (three bills), 315 pounds (a wagon wheel), and 225 pounds fourteen times. I can be happy about that for a few hours.

I ate a Texas Ruby Red Grapefruit. I have experienced few things better. It was like Bono biting the pear in the "Beautiful Day" video. Hope, relief, forgiveness, beauty, and life captured by a fructose rush.

I talked to a guy in the gym who was reading Krugman's newest book. I have written my thoughts on Krugman. I appreciate him, but I do not agree with him. The discussion made me want to publish a book. It reminded me why I chose to be an economist.

The Holy Trinity And Finding Religion

I am reading Galbraith's Economics, Peace and Laughter, Rand's The Romantic Manifesto, and Bastiat's The Law. They are all good reads. They emphasize the importance of the individual. They all step beyond positivism and venture into what should be. All three make me think.

A professor sent David Brook's NY Times editorial this morning about the significance of culture and the insignificance of economics. He refuses to say what culture is right. Economics supports a classical liberal society. It is significant in teaching the advantages of that society. Of course, culture matters. Of course, changing people's culture is difficult. But for significant change to occur, we must admit that our culture is better. We must champion Bastiat's philosophical fundamentals "personality, liberty, property" or Jefferson's "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (property)." Bastiat also called them "existence, faculties, and assimilation." Those fundamentals must be our Holy Trinity.

I must regress into personal introspection. It is clear "I am looking for answers in a woman's eyes" (paraphrased from U2's "Slow Dancing".) I made it a priority to find a woman.

My college roommate found religion chasing after two beautiful women.

When this pursuit did not materialize, he fell in love with another woman. He did not sleep in the room often his senior year. He lost religion. He quit track. He barely graduated. He almost got in legal trouble. I almost had to beat his ass for involving me in his legal trouble.

But he was in love. It was a great experience for him.

I want feedback. I want a woman to talk to, a woman who pays attention to me. My roommate wanted similar things. But these are not needs. They have to be balanced with my other wants. They cannot supersede graduation, religion and friends.

I always thought that U2's "Love is...a dangerous idea that almost makes sense" was poignant. Love as an idea appeals to me. It is what makes me think I can go find a woman. It puts the game in my hands.

ML thought love could not be reduced to a sentence. She is right.

"You're Dangerous; You Don't Know What You Want"*

How can I expect to be in a relationship when I cannot take care of myself?

I subscribed to the Mises Institute's daily article. Yesterday's article considered the legacy of Bastiat. The weekend edition consisted of a translation of Bastiat's "The Law". They are too long to read, but I am Wannabe Bastiat.

I argued with an American about Wal-Mart. He finally admitted he wanted to go back to the horse and buggy. He wanted to make everyone's decisions.

You cannot have microbreweries without Wal-Mart. You cannot have wealth without freedom.

Most people dislike people more successful than them. They cannot compete, so they bastardize the rules. Some sports writers are examples. They attack athletes not for journalistic reasons but jealousy of the athlete's superior skill.

*Before this line: "You're dangerous; 'cause you're honest" from U2's "Who Is Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?" I used to turn off the lights in my room and listen to this song over and over again. Read the lyrics. The song is one of the reasons I am screwed up. The song is about loss. But, "don't turn around." You cannot worry about sunk costs.

Dealing With Me And Why That Hardly Matters

An inner conversation:
"They've killed my will to live."

"Who are they?"
(Silence)

"There is no they."


I am lazy. I have mental health issues. I cannot deny these facts.

I have not done anything for the past three days. The reasons behind this laziness is a blend of infatuation, self-pity, and depressing fear. I am scared to fail.

I am scared of assimilation. I see myself becoming what I hate. I have no passion for research. A guy suggested transferring to another program. I had to explain to him its not the program but the life in general. I do not want to get out of bed in the morning.

My grandfather had survived the Great Depression and won WWII by the time he was my age. My father had lost his mother, watched his brother go to Vietnam, and had driven trucks to Carolina on two hours sleep. I am not saying their experiences were better than mine. But, I realize my current pursuits might not be utility maximizing.

With all this being said, I have to make one final push to see what happens. I have to get that "lethal ape" mentality not the "hungover fuck-you" attitude I have now. I have to find out once and for all.

Vulnerability Versus Fear

Victims are vulnerable.

I am not vulnerable. I am afraid. Any intelligent person deals with fear. Decisions require choosing between outcomes. These outcomes are not certain. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you do not try. Fear is a consequence of rationality. Its a consequence of caring about the future. There is nothing wrong with fear. Humanity necessitates fear.

An inner city child with a crack addict mother is vulnerable. An infatuated graduate student who cannot talk to a girl in the gym is afraid.

The economic way of thinking requires me to be skeptical. It requires me to make inferences from observations. It also requires me to be non-judgmental.

"Nice flowers, Erica"
"Thank You"
--an overheard conversation between statistics graduate students

Smiley Faces, Exclamation Points And Why Life Is So Funny

I pray this post does not offend any of my readers.

I have never understood exclamation points, so I certainly do not understand smiley faces.

Smiling is a personal emotional response. Does a smiley face mean you want me to smile? Does it mean you smiled while you were writing? If that is true, aren't you like the comic who laughs at his own jokes? I just do not get it. Let your writing elicit emotions. Do not tell me how I feel.

Smiley faces confuses communication. What purpose do they serve? If someone could explain smiley faces and exclamation points to me I would greatly appreciate it.

With that rant out of the way, life is hilarious.

I am infatuated with a girl I know nothing about except that she comes to the gym. Her gym schedule has changed, slowly (but surely) decreasing my infatuation. "Out of sight, out of mind."

Basically, I think my life is boring. I am looking for something to excite me, something to happen.

But then I read ML's sister's comment on ML's blog and see how funny life is.

Not knowing what is going to happen next is enough excitement for me.

U2's Achtung Baby

I forgot how good Achtung Baby was. From "Zoo Station" to "Love Is Blindness", the album energizes me. It was the first U2 album I ever listened to. The wall had come down and hope was abound.

"I am ready
Ready to say I'm glad to be alive" from "Zoo Station."

The reason I am impressed by intensity is that I do not have any right now.

For example,I forgot my homework in the office. I came back to work on it. Instead of working, I have screwed around on the internet. Sometimes I think its boredom. But it is laziness.

"Sunrise like a nose bleed
Your head hurts and you can't breath
You've been trying to throw your arms around the world"
from "Tryin' To Your Arms Around The World"

Great album.

Discussion

Yesterday I had a discussion with a superior Indian colleague. We discussed the futility of economics. We discussed how people matter. We discussed making the world better.

Today I had a discussion with a superior American colleague. We argued. He was a Christian who put his faith in faith. He blamed the world's problems on selfishness. He said the Bible showed people the ideal utility function based on selflessness. He talked about solving small problems. He had faith that small answers would solve big problems. He had faith in a collective good. He told me I had no clear vision.

I agree.

I see the ideal as individuals pursuing their personal interests. I see limited government. I see a society valuing productivity. I see individuals reaching their potential. I see a society which recognizes there are "no conflicts of interests among men."

Another Stupid Thing I Have Done

I have been observing this woman in the weightroom for four months. She is a hard worker. She has a rare intensity.

Today she is wearing shorts from a small college I know. This is the perfect conversation starter.

I tried to outride her on the bike. The only reason I was riding was to talk to her when she got done.

Of course, I could not wait. She had slowed down to a cool down pace for at least five minutes. (I told you she is intense.) So, I get off the bike. I wipe it down. I walk to her. I sit the bottle and towel down. Out of the blue, "Did you go to Mary Washington?" She takes her headphones off reluctantly and answered, "yes." "I went to Bridgewater." She gives me the 'who cares, I am doing something here' look. I do not know when to stop, "did you play sports?" She answers that she played softball. I mumble something about DIII and run to the showers knowing that I have lost.

She is intense. I should have sucked it up and rode the bike until she was done.

The next time I see her, I am going to tell the truth. "I have wanted to talk to you for months, but I am too scared to have anything to say. I also think you are on the outer limits of my league, so why don't we give it a try?" Or, I could say "baby, I could walk you all the way home."

I really want to know why she works so hard.


I am reading John Kenneth Galbraith's Economics Peace and Laughter. I despise Galbraith. But like with his forefathers Marx and Veblen a good economist must read him. He is the foundation for many economists' philosophies.

I am an uninteresting guy, very uninteresting.

I Do Not Know

ML pointed out the incoherence and contradictions in my last post. Everyone has different values; so what? The post had no normative purpose. It was like saying the sky is blue.

This post is no better.

We all have to make decisions. These decisions are based on our value system.

Many people refuse to reflect on their value system. This refusal bothers me. I know very few people (including myself) who could explain or justify their value system. We refuse to self-inspect (self-reflect) and ask why. We are not honest with ourselves. Therefore we cannot be honest with anyone else. We ignore value systems altogether. It is much easier that way.

Ask a Republican how they can support the death penalty and oppose abortion. Ask Democrats how they can support free speech but oppose reduced taxes. What value system supports these contradictions? How can we expect to feed the poor while we support small American farmers?

Living requires solving problems. Productivity is solving (non-trivial) problems, not solving them halfway but digging deep and finding answers. Until one delves into his value system he cannot successfully solve problems. His answers have no foundations.

My poorly argued point is that values matter. They should not be ignored. They should be challenged. They should be continuously questioned.

This post is going nowhere. "You have to stand for something or you will fall for anything." You have to be able to say "I am right." There can be no subjectivity in one's values.

285 X 2 X 3 X 2

I have three things hanging up in my apartment. In my living room, there is a map of the Philippines and a commemorative painting of the Bridgewater's 2001 Stagg Bowl team. My mother bought and hung these. I broke my leg in 2001, so I watched the 2001 Stagg Bowl from the stands. My leg still hurts on cold days. The Philippines map is just something on the wall.

My Bridgewater diploma hangs in my bedroom. I guess I am proud of it, but I know its just a piece of paper.

I have another picture that is not hung. (My mother forgot about it before she left.) It is a newspaper picture of Crozet Pizza. On the left of Crozet Pizza is Maupins' Music and Video. I could look at that picture all day. The little video store was the foundation for the diploma, the Philippines, and the Stagg Bowl. It is where I learned about life. It was where I learned the importance of productivity and value added. It was where I learned to take chances. It was where I learned that failure was sunk. I am lumping the video store with Crozet (my house and the grocery store and the schools), but my values came from the video store.

The other pictures are incompatible with my video store values.

I love football. But it is a game played by boys searching for their childhood (especially at the DIII level.) I will not say it is destructive, but it is certainly not productive. My leg, shoulder, and elbow hurts tonight.

Education can be useful. But what matters is what you do with your education. I am doing nothing with it.

The last statement leads us right into the Philippines. The Philippines is full of potential, but I did not help it reach its potential. I probably hurt it.

Some of my colleagues have different values than I do. Their video store was academia. It was the classroom. They have an easier time accepting diplomas and expense paid trips to developing countries.

Other colleagues have similar values to me. Instead of video stores, they might have farms. Some like myself get caught up in envy of the others and compromise everything we know is true. Others make courageous decisions and continue to strive for the ideal. They refuse to sell their values for lies.

My life is about me. I do not know what will happen tomorrow, but I cannot wait to find out.

I Keep Coming Back

You cannot fake life. You cannot change the past. "There is no conflict of interests among men."

When I was in the sixth grade, I came to the conclusion that everything was everyone's fault. If I was a great scientist I could have predicted the tsunami. If I was a great preacher there would be peace in the Middle East.

It was simple logic (from a simple boy), but it has some Truth in it. I see people hurting one another. I see people who enjoy others' misfortune. I see walking contradictions. I see people whose have no answers for their actions. I see people who do not care about answers. And worse, I see people who know answers but refuse to live them. People who know a better way but will not pursue it. We must be responsible for ourselves. We must fix the problem then the blame; we all deserve some blame when the problem is not fixed.

"Well if I had one wish in this god forsaken world, kids
It'd be that your mistakes would be your own
Yea your sins would be your own" from Bruce Springseen's "Long Time Comin' (Thanks ML)

I fit into the category that refuses to live the answers I have found. It is a sad place to be.

R.E.M's "Waking Up In Reno"

Bruce Springsteen's "Reno"

She took off her stockings, I held them to my face.
She had your ankles, I felt filled with grace.
"Two hundred dollars straight in,
Two-fifty up the ass," she smiled and said.
She unbuckled my belt, pulled back her hair,
And sat in front of me on the bed.
She said, "Honey how's that feel, do you want me to go slow?"
My eyes drifted out the window, down to the road below.

I felt my stomach tighten. The sun bloodied the sky
And sliced through the hotel blinds. I closed my eyes.
Sunlight on the Amatitlan, sunlight streaming thru your hair.
In the Valle de dos Rios, smell of mock orange filled the air.
We rode with the vaqueros, down into cool rivers of green.
I was sure the work and that smile coming out 'neath your hat
Was all I'd ever need.
Somehow all you ever need's, never really quite enough you know.
You and I, Maria, we learned it's so.

She slipped me out of her mouth, "You're ready," she said.
She took off her bra and panties, wet her finger, slipped it inside her,
And crawled over me on the bed.
She poured me another whisky,
Said, "Here's to the best you ever had."
We laughed and made a toast.
It wasn't the best I ever had,
Not even close.


ML and I discussed the meaning of this song yesterday.

ML says that it is about losing "the best I ever had." It is about the past. ML is right.

I said it is about disappointment. It is about going to Reno hoping that it held answers then realizing it did not. It is the crack addict who spends his life searching for that first hit. It is the businessman who works seventy hours a week looking at what he has sacrificed. It is about searching for answers but realizing "it wasn't the best I ever had." It is about the present.

I ignored the second stanza and the last sentence being in the past tense. Springsteen's intentions are similar to ML's interpretation.

But my interpretation represents my philosophical foundations. Maria is a sunk cost. She is gone. Your memories hurt, but memories are a curable disease. Reno and a $200 hooker was not the answer, but the search continues. Maria is not the source of discontent. The discontent comes from knowing that the best is out there. You know it is out there because you have had better and even that was not the best.

The other interpretation sees men as hopeless. The pain of lost love lasts forever. Hookers cannot cure it. Nothing can cure it. Saddam Hussein was horrible, but Iraq will always be horrible. The US should not have invaded Iraq; we are wrong for still being there. Mankind is hopeless.

If that is Springsteen's intention, he is wrong. I wish he could have seen the passion and hope in Filipino farmers' eyes. I wish he could see the best thing he could do for people would be to get out of their way.

Sidenote: Iran's nuclear weapons do not scare me. Their philosophical foundations (as does Springsteen and Bono's) threatens the world. Until the Western world is willing to address these foundations there is no use interfering with Iran.

Yesterday Does Not Matter; Today Is The Only Day I Can Act

"...In some cases, a man's sense of life is better (closer to the truth) than the kind of ideas he accepts. In other cases, his sense of life is much worse than the ideas he professes to accept but is unable to fully practice. Ironically enough, it is man's emotions, in such cases, that act as avengers of his neglected or betrayed intellect.

In order to live, men must act; in order to act, he must make choices; in order to make choices, he must define a code of values; in order to define a code of values, he must know what he is and where he is--ie he must know his own nature (including his means of knowledge) and the nature of the universe in which he acts..."~Ayn Rand The Romantic Manifesto pg. 30

I see what I want to see. People see what they want to see. People rarely read or think; they see or hear a line and go from there. This practice is apparent in Email exchanges. It is apparent in this blog.

All week I have thought about the Animal House quote, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life." Some people go through life "fat, drunk and stupid." They never think about what life really means. They never make a conscience decision to do what is right. They do not care about right and wrong. They do not care about morals or ideals. They are pragmatic realists.

I downloaded Jackson Browne's Greatest Hits mainly for "The Pretender": "I am going to be a happy idiot and struggle for the legal tender."

Maybe pretending is all we can do.

I Am A Pious Bastard

It is true. I do the right thing (most of the time). I will tell people that I am right (most of the time).

This does not mean that I expect people to change their behavior to match mine. I will not coerce them to be like me. People should be able to do what they want. I should never use coercion (government) to interfere with other people who are not interfering with me.

I can still voice the view that I am right. I can also listen to others. I do not know what is best for someone else. I only know what is best for me.

The problem with most politicians (both Democrat and Republican) is they will not tell us that they are God and can make better decisions for us than we can.

"What can government do for your industry?"
"Leave us alone." paraphrased from Bastiat

"Never underestimate the power of local knowledge." Des Hautea (One of the directors of the project that pays me)

"Wrap her up in a package of lies. Send her off to a coconut isle" Adam Duritz (Counting Crows)

R.E.M's "Hope"

You want to go out Friday
And you want to go forever.
You know that it sounds childish
That you've dreamt of alligators.
You hope that we are with you
And you hope you're recognized
You want to go forever
You see it in my eyes.
I'm lost in the confusion
And it doesn't seem to matter
You really can't believe it
And you hope it's getting better.

You want to trust the doctors
Their procedure is the best
But the last try was a failure
And the intern was a mess.
And they did the same to Matthew
And he bled 'til Sunday night
They're "saying don't be frightened",
But you're weakened by the sight of it
You lock into a pattern
And you know that it's the last ditch
You're trying to see through it
And it doesn't make sense
But they're saying don't be frightened
And they're killing alligators
And they're hog-tied and accepting of the struggle

You want to trust religion
And you know it's allegory
But the people who are followers
Have written their own story
So you look up to the heavens
And you hope that it's a spaceship
And it's something from your childhood
You're thinking don't be frightened

You want to climb the ladder
You want to see forever
You want to go out Friday
And you want to go forever.
And you want to cross your DNA
To cross your DNA with something reptile.
And you're questioning the sciences
And questioning religion
You're looking like an idiot
And you no longer care.
And you want to bridge the schism,
A built-in mechanism to protect you.
And you're looking for salvation
And you're looking for deliverance
You're looking like an idiot
And you no longer care.
You want to climb the ladder
You want to see forever
You want to go out Friday
You want to go forever.

Why I Lift? And Concerning The Ideal Woman

ML asked if I was a pretty boy. If I am a pretty boy then I am a hapless failure.

Everyone has to get close to God (Truth). Truth and I meet in the weight room. When I am lifting weights, He cleanses my soul. He allows me to get glimpses of the Ideal Life and Ideal Man. He protects me from injury and strikes me with soreness to remind me of Him. The weight room is where I pray. It is where I try to mold myself into His image.

I am not saying there is no social aspect to it. But I used to lift at Bridgewater at 6:00AM. Sometimes I was by myself or with 65 year old Coach Spencer. When Coach Spencer was there, I knew Truth was with me.

Concerning the ideal woman:

I am scared of rejection. This fear is normal. It is the fear of not controlling your own destiny.

Mostly, I am scared of myself:

I am scared of love. I am scared of being whipped. I am scared of being duped. I am scared of unconditionally caring. I am scared of heartbreak.

I am scared that someone will love me without me loving them. This fear is more intense than being whipped. I cannot stand hurting someone else. Its like killing someone while driving. Destroying your own life is more tolerable than destroying someone else's.

I am scared I have no ideals.

I am scared I will talk myself out of my ideals and lose the woman of my dreams.

I am scared I reject women, because I want their mind. I want them to challenge me in impossible ways. I am scared that I ask too much.

I am scared I will be dishonest. I can lie. I think too much to not know some lies.

Again, I am scared of myself.

Of course, most of these fears are vain dribble, but it takes vanity to get over the fear of rejection.


My mother is a wonderful person. All she does is love. She is not dumb but she contributed very little to my intellect. Her unconditional love has helped me grow in numerous ways, but our philosophical foundations differ.

Her relationship with my father (who I relate to better) is fine, but I want something different. I want to have deep conversations. I want someone to challenge me intellectually. I want someone who enjoys Miles. I want someone to tell me what Natalie Merchant means in "Stockton Gala Days". I want to talk to someone about Ibsen's and Chekhov's plays. I want a woman who appreciates selling. I want feedback.

These wants scare me. Are they too much? Are they too little? Should I just want love? Is love I all I can get?

I do not like setting goals, but here is one: I am going to find a date for the Chick Corea concert in either Charlottesville or Roanoke.

Goal setting is stupid.

A Lonely Normativist Rationalizing His Existence

I was never lonely
Until I the wind made my bones ache

I was never happy
Until I understood what I was seeing in a woman's smile

I have been told
The world is all we have
Unfortunately,
I believe it is true

I went searching for something different
All I found was the same

I will not live with shame;

While you distress
I will be true

While you lie
I will be acquitted due to your guilt

300 Pound Bench Press

When I threw shotput, I would work myself into a fury. I would find a competitor whose existence infuriated me. Anger got the hormones flowing. Anger stimulated me. Anger aided my performance.

I will still get mad in the weight room to push myself. Today was one of those days. I needed a stimulant to get me through three sets of five of 265. I needed something to compensate for my four hours of sleep. I did all three sets. I can still max at least 300.

The thing about this technique is that I have to come down. At track meets it only took finishing and looking at beautiful women run around the track. In the weight room it only takes finishing the bench press. I cannot get motivated for any other lift.

Today after finishing the bench, I realized the futility of my existence. I was so happy about that bench workout. What for? I commented on ML's blog about how people matter not worldly things. People are the only source of long-term happiness. You have to love yourself. You have to be happy in your own world, but people are more important than bench presses.

I looked around and saw a bunch of pretty boys and pretty girls trying to look better for each other. (I have always wanted to make a documentary on women going to the gym. There are so many stories there. It could say something about society. This project is right behind my book about my graduate school experience.) To many people lifting is a social event. I have never liked that attitude. Lifting has always been a spiritual experience for me.

Deep down, most people in the weight room are looking for a release. Something to break up their boring day. They are just looking for a better way. Who can blame them?

The quality of my posts are going to hell.

Is It Later Than I Think?

I am finishing (copying) an assignment that has no meaning, no value. It is PhD busy work. Maybe I am just not putting in the effort. "Did she get tired or did she just get lazy"--The Eagles

I went to my first Condo Association meeting. Some people crave power. It is sad. Very few are willing to admit to the insignificance of associations and such. People desire external gratification.

It is one of those nights when it would be wonderful to have someone to go home to. Someone who you would try to not disturb while hoping they wanted to be disturbed. Someone whose smile made you forget about meaningless assignments. Someone who was going to be there when you got out of bed.

Wow, that rambling was sappy. But it begs, is it later than I think?

No Matter If I Pass, Time Will Pass

A guy told me this yesterday.

Life will continue. My frustration will end. Nobody cares. All I can do is keep living and when the time comes make the best decision I can.

"Time is a train. Makes the future the past. Leaves you standing, your face pressed against the glass." U2

I just saw Lena Horne on Sanford and Son. It was one of the funniest episodes I have ever seen.

I love women. They are the most interesting thing on Earth.

No, that is not true. The combination of what they do to men with their superior beauty is what is so interesting.

Interesting things should be studied. But how can an inferior creature study a superior one?

Green Fees

Apparently the Virginia Tech student body supports a 'green fee' to keep the campus environmentally sound.

I do not support a green fee. An editorialist did not support it. But the student body supports it. Both the Graduate Student Assembly and the Undergraduate Student Government put their stamp of approval on it in the students' name.

All student fees are coercion. They are extortion. I am willing to give money to keep this campus looking nice, but I should not be forced to give it to the administration. An administration that will spend at least 25% in overhead expenses.

Economists greatest failure is that the students who proposed the green fee did not start an organization to improve the campus without coercion and the administration. An organization responsible to its supporters, an organization that did not rely on extortion. We have not taught the ambitious students the economic way of thinking. We have taught them how to steal from the minority and put faith in bureaucracy.

But the student body supports the green fee.

Statistics lie. Averages and majorities say very little especially without the economic way of thinking.

A Tribute To R.E.M.'s "Hope"

Here is the deal;
What I feel

The past cannot eat me alive
Memories are a curable disease

The Truth is most people I cannot please

I have chosen a path
Now I must deal with its wrath

"Hog-tied and accepting of the struggle"
Let them be;
But I will be free
Whatever the hell that means:

Search for Truth
Question my surroundings
Don't let convention make me afraid

When everyone asks why;
I tell them

When everyone tells me;
I ask why?

No, I was not born to fly
But Daddy forced me not to cry

In the end,
All I can do is try

An Edited Email To A Colleague

I might have been around Spanos for too long, but I have very little faith in the empirical side of economics. Levitt's article has been criticized. I am not smart enough to tell who is right. But I think it is a trivial debate. Statistics is (educated) guessing. Economic issues like abortion are too complicated to be modeled and empirically tested (especially with data limitations).

The economic idea that abortion leads to less crime, ceteris paribus, is more important than the statistics. It makes sense. The economic way of thinking, the search for unintended consequences, the skepticism, the rebellion against the status quo is what is important. The statistics can neither prove or disprove today's abortion effects on tomorrow's crime. The economic logic is what matters.

I like what Levitt is doing. Tim Harford is doing similar things. We have to take economics to the marks (public). We have to write readable books. We have to introduce the public to the economic way of thinking. We have to study everyday issues and present our findings in an accessible way.

I am not a big fan of the apolitical economist. Of course, I think all economists should be libertarians. Abortion is a private choice. Government has no role in it. You can run as many statistical models as you want, but you're not going to change the fact that a woman who gets an abortion does not interfere with others rights. There is no public good argument. Costs are internalized. It is her decision not 500 white men in Washington. The majority's perceived moral superiority is not protected by the Constitution.

After meeting with the (professor) candidates the last few weeks, my impression is that economics is applied statistics. Economists are smart guys using complicated tools to make trivial conclusions. Very few are dealing with the fundamental economic problem of creating wealth (utility). They are not making the world a better place. Most economists are just keeping themselves fed. They are doing what others are doing. They are publishing meaningless papers in journals that no one reads.

I have no idea how the economic profession can be changed. I have no idea of what I am going to do. But the discussion of what economists should do must take place.

"It Makes Me Want To Um..."

I been talking economic philosophy all day. I say it is not enough to draw a map. Everyone else says a map is all that we can do.

I enjoy talking economic philosophy. So many people put their faith in government. I guess it is bred into us. The best government can do is mirror what individuals do. The best it can do is mirror the market. Democracy has nothing to do with individual liberty. Government cannot interfere with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I wanted so badly to make this a non-personal post, but it is not working.

"Why couldn't you be content
With the love I gave oh yeah
I gave you my heart
But you wanted my mind, oh yeah"
(the above and the title are from Joss Stone's version of "The Chokin' Kind")

This lyric scares the hell out of me.

I hope I would be content, but I certainly like the mind. I spend so much time arguing. Could this be me? (I know, love is mutual. I need to read my last post.)

Suicide, Penguins, Bad Poets, Dreams, And Dreamers

Down the street I went
What for?
Who cares?

You can't worry about why
When you're getting ready to die

There are days when I wait for something
That isn't about to come
I need an absolute release

But,
What good is a dead man?
What good is a penguin in the Virginia summer?
What good is a bad poet?
What good is a dream that cannot come true?
What good is a dreamer of dreams that cannot come true?
What good is anything?

What for?
Who cares?
Down the street I go

Skin And Bones

All ought and proper
Better than everyone
Sometimes its true
But you fear the devil
And you like to revel
Well, here's the level
When its time for the bell
I'll be sure to see you in hell

The Everlasting Struggle

I went to the door
Hoping someone was there
Hoping to find someone with a care
One who understood nothing is fair

I was looking for perfection
I will be looking for a long time
And, I accept the challenge

No one has ever found a stream that always flows elegantly

In drought,
It is cracked,
Struggling for existence

In flood,
It is unchecked,
Devastating its path

Somedays it is just right

I sit on the bridge those days
I wait for a lover
To sit next to me
I wait for her
To finally set me free

But she's not at the door this time
Maybe she will never be
But I will keep answering

Credible Charities

ML told me about a local charity helping a village in the Dominican Republic called Esperanza. I was impressed.

But the economist came out in me and I replied to ML with the question, "how do we decide?" I meant to question the whole nature of charity. There are millions of cases worthy of charity, but I (we) cannot help everyone.

More importantly, how do (I) we decide what to do with these charitable cases? Something is (usually) better than nothing, but some methods are better than others. These are the most traditional and intelligent economic questions that I have come up with in a year. It almost looks like I think there is an optimal answer that I can empirically determine.

But the questions irked ML. She called me jaded. I think the question "does a rich white kid in the Dominican Republic 'sacrificing' send the right message to Dominican children?" made her angry.

What I was trying to say is that I doubt if the white kid's self-made father spent time in developing countries. Some white kids think they are doing penance for the evils of capitalism, and I do not think this attitude is appropriate to truly help the poor. Of course there are others who are more confident in the philosophical foundations of capitalism. I am not saying either of these volunteers are bad people, but there will be some adverse selection. Development takes ideological change. Some people do not have the right ideologies to help make this change.

Someone must ask these questions. The lawyer handing out food in Africa is sacrificing income that he could give to charity. Myself going to college is sacrificing going to Africa. The opportunity costs of charity must be considered. (ML was offended at the term sacrificing. I should have used opportunity costs.)

(A sidenote to ML: The indifference bothers me the most.)

He Knew Not What He Wanted Or Self Pity

The room was quiet
Maybe he was not listening

He thought about doubt
How it was always there
He did not know what he wanted

He thought about beauty
How it was always there
He did not know what he wanted

He remembered the days of old
He longed for strength to be bold
He wanted to cry
He wanted to die

He thought about the cold
How it was always there
He did not know what he wanted

The noise was coming quick
He felt hunted
The noise kept coming
Closer and closer
It did not care what he wanted

Miracles Or "Go On Downtown Baby, Find Somebody To Love"

My last post hinted at my current crisis of faith.

My faith has always been in myself.

I control my own destiny. I make decisions and face the repercussions. I get out of bed in the morning. I go to sleep at night. Rand helped me to explicitly recognize this faith, but it has always been there.

My faith requires me to pursue the Truth. Truth is God to me. God cannot be human. He cannot be known by man, but man must search for Truth (Him).

There is Truth in the Ten Commandments, and the teachings of Jesus, Muhammad, Martin Luther King, F.A. Hayek, Bastiat, Rand, Jobless, ML etc. etc. But, I have to find that Truth. I am responsible for finding Truth. I am responsible for distinguishing between Truth (God) and Lies (Devil).

I do not believe in miracles. Miracles are lies used to convince the marks. They avoid Truth. The marks want Truth, but the Liars (Devils) do not want them to have it. The Truth scares Liars (Devils).

But, look at the title to this post. Look at The Allman Brothers' recommendation to "go on downtown baby, find somebody to love" (from "Ain't Wastin' Time No More.) Is that Gregg Allman singing Truth (God's words)?

I guess that sums up my "crisis of faith."

Another line from the song: "Look inside yourself, and if you don't see what you want, maybe sometimes then you don't, But leave your mind alone and just get high."

I Was Going To Church This Morning

I put on my khakis and my black clown shoes. I got to the office early. I was ready to find religion.

I had enough time to do my morning Email and blog check, and I found this through MarginalRevolution. It is long but life-affirming. It should be read.

It took me so long that I missed the church's artificial schedule. The read was worth it. If everything works out, I will have plenty chances to go to church.

The author says what I have been feeling for the past few weeks. Everyone goes through these periods where they are forced to reevaluate themselves. Most of the time nothing changes. The reevaluation is inconclusive. "Yeah, I am not happy, but what is the alternative?"

I broke my leg on Saturday September 8th, 2001. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday in the hospital dealing with surgery. On Monday night, Denver Bronco's wide receiver Ed McCaffrey broke in his leg badly. I had slept all day and that play was the only time I was coherent. I never blamed football but I certainly questioned its merit.

Tuesday morning I was awake enough to see the towers crumble. Because of my situation, I did not have the knee-jerk reaction to want to get up and fight. I could be a victim. I layed in bed trying to recover. Recovering was the only thing I could do.

I missed a week of classes, but I still got a 4.0 that semester. I threw shotput in the Winter and Spring. I was proud, but I know it is another meaningless accomplishment. Aren't all past accomplishments meaningless?

I guess this is where I stand today. Everything that I have done, all my investments, all my commitments are spread across the table, and I do not see anything. I am not a "Smart Guy." I am not a "Creative Guy." I am not a "Business Guy." I am not a "Beer Guy." I am not a "Sex Guy." I am twenty four years old and like when I was thirteen, I do not fit in anywhere.

I like to read good writing. I like to watch or listen to good games. I like collecting useful knowledge, but the knowledge I am forced to collect is nonsense. I have a family who cares about me. My arms are shaping up some. My chest is massive but unattractive. My confidence comes and goes, but I think I am beginning to understand my emotional side. I have potential.

Our past accomplishments are meaningless, but so are our past failures. We have to live with our potential not our past.

Rebuttal

Wake up
Sleep is the enemy
It feels good
You need it to survive
But only when you are awake
Does the world turn
A comfortable bed
Makes a weak man
"Sleep comes like a drug in God's country"
From fatigue or boredom?
Either one
Does not suit me
Let me be free

If that is what love is
I will let you have it
While you sleep
I will live

For ST Coleridge And/Or Jobless, To DH, BF, AW, RF, EM, And That Blonde In The Gym

It felt like early morning
The sun had yet to rise
The world was at peace
It hits you without warning
Deep sleep

I never knew it
Until I found you
It hit me at first sight
I fought it
I failed
Deep sleep

My eyes had closed
Dreams showing in my head
Perfect nothingness
Deep sleep

All of my restless nights
All those wasted days
Erased by your healing smile
It might be clever guile
But I don't care
I am in a deep sleep

Daily Rituals Without Cosmetic Psychopharmacology

I went to bed last night;
Thinking about something better

Woke up this morning;
Something was not there

Went to work;
A new day
All I could say,
"There must be a better way."

About lunchtime;
I stared at the wall
I wanted someone to come down the hall
I wanted a phone call
A pretty voice telling me lies

About a quarter 'til closing time;
Looked at my screen
It was empty
Just like me
Thought about feedback
Wanting to be great
Trying not to hate

Walking home;
A feeling hit me
First emotion of the day
Beautiful women in the month of May
But it was March and windy
A bite in the air
Wished I had more hair
Wished I could care
Don't give a shit that the world is not fair

Got ready for bed;
Wondering if it could be different
It could be
I need a dream
A dream to go to sleep to
A vision
Click your heels
It is there
No one has to know
It might be wrong
Inconsequential
Like a tree falling in the woods
With no one to hear
There is nothing to fear

Went to sleep;
Thinking about something better
Secretly hoping to wake up

Truth

He was sick. He had swallowed his unimportance and gagged.

There were no answers to his questions. There was nothing but slow death.

His eyes filled with tears that would not leave his eyes. They just gathered and impeded his vision.

In his blindness he imagined himself dancing. "Blue in Green" played. A woman danced with him. He could not see her, but he knew she was beautiful. He knew she was there.

His blinked to restore his vision. The restoration ended his imagination, but he knew she was there. He knew she was beautiful.

"There Must Be A 1000 Things You Would Die For; I Can Hardly Think Of Two"

This line is from the Indigo Girls' "Mystery." It is a good song. Read the lyrics.

It is easy to live when you have things that you would die for. The motto I presented in my "What I learned at Bridgewater?" treatise was: Be Smart. Be Passionate. Be Responsible. Ex ante, it is hard to tell if you are being smart or not. Being smart is a discovery process. I am religious enough to believe that we are all responsible in the end (ex post). But the passion, the unrelenting desire to succeed and pursue is what separates individuals.

To be happy, you have to be passionate. There has to be a reason to get out of bed in the morning. There has to be something to get you through the transaction. (Economically what do we call the actual transaction? What is between ex ante and ex post?)

(My new economic goal is to show that there are no conflict of interests among men through economic experiments. I will show that "communication (a form of transaction) costs are all that stands between our present state and a perfect society.)

"If You Die In Your Dreams Then You Die In Your Sleep"*

I told my Filipina colleague that having children was the most vain thing one could do.

She replied that I was trivializing the miracle of birth, that children were God's gift, that children replenished the Earth and parents' souls.

I could not argue with her.


My dream has always been to be great at something. I do not care what that something is. I just want to win.

Until I stop letting others define what winning is, I will never win. You have to look in the mirror and be happy with what you see. "It is a sad man my friend who is living in his own skin and can't stand the company."*


The thing about the great artists is that you know when they do something it is going be good. Woody Allen made some crappy movies, but they were not bad. They were worth watching. You know that you will not be disappointed when you buy a Springsteen or a U2 CD. You might have to warm up to it, but you will listen and like some of it before you throw it out.

*Bruce Springsteen

John Hiatt's Paper Thin

"I was gonna get up off that bar stool
Just as soon as I could figure it out
Why I was overlooked at the car pool
Stood up at the dance with no twist and shout

When you’re burnin’ with your last desire
And every memory haunts you
You write it down in alcohol fire
’cause that’s the only flame that wants you

When you’re paper thin
Yeah, read all about it
When you were out of luck, well, luck was doin’ alright
Now you’re paper thin
Yeah, they can see right through ya
You just cut you’re little finger on the edge of the night

Now do I really have to be responsible
For what I did between those tavern walls
I was just mixing up some chemicals
You could’ve heard a pin drop, could have heard time crawl

And every once in a while
You could hear you’re own heart pound
Maybe some paper doll with a pasted on smile
Would let you write her number down

When you’re paper thin
Yeah, read all about it
When you were out of luck, well, luck was doin’ alright
Now you’re paper thin
Yeah, they can see right through ya
You just cut you’re little finger on the edge of the night"

This afternoon ML and I discussed this song.

When you view yourself as irrelevant, then life is hard to bear. I have met people including myself who thought they were 'paper thin,' but I have never met anyone who in actuality was 'paper thin.'

Things Not Done And An Email To My Sister

I just realized I have finished only 10 of 23 things on my 'to do' list for the the break. I certainly did not finish number one.

Keeping to something I started a few weeks back, I thought about writing about all of the things that I did do on my list. I realized that no matter what I did; I did not accomplish what I wanted.

I have never been goal-oriented. I like waking up in the morning knowing that I am going to do whatever the hell I want. I hate saying "I have to."

The problem is that if I do not start saying "have to" then I am going to die poor (in more ways than one).

I never believed that there was a "man." There had to be free choice in the world. People were not slaves.

I have not been a communist since my sophomore year of college, but you have to appreciate some Marx.

Here is a reply to my sister who said our family's problem was that we were perfectionists:

"Pompous People Rule The World

For the last week, I have been in a blog discussion about happiness. I told someone that acting happy was not being happy. Other people's responses have been mixed. Some people say that you can make yourself happy; you can act happy. My claim has been you have to tell the truth. You cannot deny reality. Life could be better. It could be worse too. You have to tell the truth to be happy.

I finally see the futility in my education. I know a lot of information, but the information does me no good. I am trying to write this thesis, but I do not have the courage to say what I want to say. Because I want to say it is all meaningless. I want to say I have wasted $20,000 of taxpayers' money. I want to say it would have been better spent on repairing Filipino roads or reducing Filipino corruption. To write this thesis I have to lie. I cannot lie and be happy.

We know we are not perfect. We just choose to pursue perfection.

But, our problem is not the pursuit of perfection but compromise. Mama, Daddy, and Granddaddy did not teach us how to compromise. Most people find it easy to compromise. I have become lazy, but if the old man called, I would drive home to be at the store by 7:00AM. I am lazy now not out of compromise but out of rejecting compromise. I would rather do nothing than do something half-ass. You becoming a teacher and me becoming an economist is compromise. You have to submit to some supervisor and principal. I have to submit to some advisors and an archaic system. There are things we can learn, but we see our bosses standing in our way and forcing us to compromise. We cannot stand it. We cannot stand the thought that we might not control our destiny.

The last day I officially worked at the grocery store I bought these local grapes that Daddy told me not to buy. I was convinced they would sell. They did not, but I had to explain to Daddy that I followed his lead. He does what he thinks is right, and I do what I think is right. I will not compromise on right and wrong.

Lately I have felt like it was time to let go. I want to get my degree and get the hell out of here. I want to find a woman who does not mind waking up next to me forever. But I am going to give it a few more days. The inability to compromise is the only quality that separates us from the other Maupins. It is what makes us special."

If graduate school was supposed to humble you; then I have not learned a damn thing.

Intentional I Guess

Woke up this mourning (intentional I guess)
Thought I had it figured out
Thought I knew what this world was about

The world was mine for the taking
But I didn't want it

The Holy Land is on fire
But it is better than my backyard

Everyone says, "you have to care"

But no one gives a damn
Unless they're in a jam

And that's the way it should be
It is the only way to be free

All I can do is hate
Everything is right there
But it is so fake

It is real easy to be dumb
A little harder to be numb
Neither is what I want to be

I have this dark passion
Its the cancerous sun
All life comes from it
But it can kill you

Some people find a way
To escape;
Escape into the night
Find a way to be right
When everyone is wrong

I can't find love
It is not for me
Give it to the proles
But it won't fool me

If I could focus
I would come after you
But I will change
My rage will be quelled
My hell will be met by my heaven
And I will not be able to tell

Left with a gooey mess
Just like all the rest

Intentional I guess

When Was The Last Time I Was Happy?

I emailed ML, "acting happy is not being happy." She blogged about it. I said it in response to a specific comment she had made, but I really did not put much thought into it.

I do not know what happiness is. I cannot make claims to whether someone else is happy or not. Keep that in mind as I continue.

I don't like to talk about specific individuals, but considering the readership of this blog, I don't think I will hurt anyone's feelings.

I read a blog post that went something like this: 'I have been insanely busy over the past two months. I will continue to be insanely busy. My computer crashed putting me two days behind. But, I like being busy because otherwise I would be bored.'

To me, this is acting happy. Yeah, things could be worst, but they also could be better. If you're so happy, why are you telling me about how busy you are and how your computer crashed. And, if you really like it, why do you have to tell me that you like it? There is disappointment underlying the post.

Of course, the disappointment says little about true happiness, but denying the disappointment does not make you happy or happier. You are not being happy; you are just acting happy.

It is like at Christmas when you get a gift that you are indifferent to. You appreciate the thought and act happy, but you cannot lie to yourself and suddenly love the gift. You smile and say 'thank you,' but you are never going to wear that sweater.

There are no guarantees of happiness only the pursuit of happiness. This pursuit is what I struggle with daily.

I have spent half of my life redefining greatness. Right now, I cannot decide if greatness is being a classically liberal economist, a profitable entrepreneur, a loving family man, or my million other dreams. Again, this says very little, but I refuse to act happy when I know there are better things out there.

A Writer Has To Be Arrogant

Paul Shirley says good athletes have to think highly of their athletic abilities.

A good researcher has to think highly of his research. It is the only way he can write it. It is sad it took me two and half years to figure this out. I know my research will be turned into mush by my advisors, but I cannot help that I am right and everyone else is wrong.

ML and I have had some interesting conversations that I want to discuss, but I am missing the original Dukes of Hazzard as I type.

A Note To Myself

"I have to make a decision. Either I can let the memory of all the stupid things I have said and done haunt me or, I can forget my fear and embrace both the failure and success a short memory encompasses."

I wrote this to myself in the summer. It is unfortunate that I make bad choices.

Life and production not death and taxes

Rodney Dangerfield

ML has started an interesting discussion on the meaning of respect.

I will never forget the poverty expert making fun of McDonalds' employees. It convinced me that he did not understand poverty. He did not respect working class Americans. I respect working. He also said that the only good wines come from France and Italy. He might be right, but I did not respect the arrogance implied in his comment.

These two "disrespectful" comments do not trump his respectful intelligence, education, experience, or ability to get papers published. But, I will not forget those comments.

Some people (including myself) try so hard to demonize or to elevate someone that they refuse to see the humanity in the person. Humanity is imperfection. It is the greatness of mankind juxtaposed against war, corruption, and the other bad things men do.

When I was a child, I was walking in D.C., and I saw my first bum. I asked my father why the police did not kill all the bums. I cannot remember his answer and I cannot verbalize one now, but I know we should not kill all the bums.

Poetry for Tuesday

"She is raging
She is aging (Bono sings 'aging' in Rattle and Hum)
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She will...

Suffer the needle chill
She is running to stand...still"

U2's "Running to Stand Still"

I am not a heroin addict, but we have all felt this way. You look in the mirror. You are old. Your world is collapsing. You are angry. You are tired. But nothing ever changes.

"Happiness" by Carl Sandburg
"I asked professors who teach the meaning of life to tell me what is happiness.

And I went to famous executives who boss the work of thousands of men.

They all shook their heads and gave me a smile as though I was trying to fool with them.

And then one Sunday afternoon I wandered out along the Desplaines river

And I saw a crowd of Hungarians under the trees with their women and children and a keg of beer and an accordion."

Is ignorance a key to happiness? Beer and accordions are not enough for me. But the poem reminds me that happiness is probably simpler than I think.

Scoop Jackson Says It Best

I read this article last week, but the following section is relevant after the Marcus Vick incident. I do not understand how the media chooses its stories. Read the whole article by Scoop Jackson here.

"KG and Oprah

How do you make Mother Moses cry? In a year when ball players were getting press for "str8 stupidness" it seemed strange that Kevin Garnett's written appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show went notice-free.

He wrote her a letter. They gave her the letter on-air as a surprise. In the letter, he said he wanted to donate something to her Angel Network, which was building houses for those who lost their homes in Hurricane Katrina. His pledge: To build one house per month for the next two years. That's 24 homes! Two seasons of "Extreme Makeover." Financially funded by one person with no commercial return on his donation. A gesture that should have landed him on the cover of Time alongside Bill and Melinda Gates and Bono as Persons of The Year. A gesture that made Oprah -- read it again, Oprah -- break down.

But still, no member of the media wrote a story about it. USA Today scripted a blurb; ESPN.com made a mention. But overall -- nada.

Now, let Kevin Garnett or any other athlete run a stop light; let them miss a practice unexcused; let them miss a child support payment -- Bam! Lead story on "SportsCenter," forum discussion on "Rome Is Burning," breaking news on CNN.

In an era when it is too often publicly asked: "Where are our kids' role models?"; in a society that is starved for areas of positiveness to come from our professional athletes; in a world where we have been conditioned to believe that every one of these young superstars is unappreciative, ungrateful, undeserving and a void soul, a situation arose that could have shifted the entire perception of their existence. What Kevin Garnett did was just that big.

But guess who dropped the ball? Us. The media, for not saying anything about it, and the public, for not demanding that we do.

The moral of this story: How do you make the media not pay attention to you when you are a superstar athlete? Do something humane."

Football is not important. It is a meaningless game played by boys and men with anger management problems. Sometimes we forget these facts.

I enjoy football. I played for nine years. During my first year, the coach told us "football was not about winning games; it was about becoming better men." I did not forget his teachings, even when I had coaches who did not have the security to pursue that objective.

This is what bothers me so much about the Marcus Vick situation. The men who made the decision to release Vick have implicitly preached that the objective of its football program is to win games. They make stadium additions. They get paid millions of dollars for being public servants. They pay horrible teams to come play their team. Their actions have nothing to do with making players better men. It has nothing to do with character. Nothing, all they care about is winning.

Every once in while, something (political pressure, old white alumni, the media) slaps them in the face and they get righteous. Winning is not good enough. Our team has to have character also. So, they scapegoat an individual, refuse to do any self-reflection, and continue to cash their checks. Nothing changes except a young man or a coach has to find a new job.

It is sad that the farce of the NCAA is allowed to continue. It is time for college sports to recognize and take responsibility for what objectives they are pursuing. They cannot have it both ways.

The Two Most Corrupt Cartels

1. The United States Government (Including State and Local)
2. NCAA (The college presidents and athletic directors)

Football is a wonderful sport, but the NCAA is determined to ruin it.

What Marcus Vick did was no worse than what Charles Steger does everyday. Marcus Vick was honest. Steger is a gutless bureaucrat who steals from taxpayers while smiling.

I know this is all displaced anger. I am really mad at myself.

But, I hate fake authority figures.

"Thought I Had A Line On Something No One Else Could Say, But They Couldn't Find It In Their Hearts To Get Out Of My Way"*

It is after 7:00PM. Very few are left in the office. I am here.

I ordered contacts this morning. I read the news. I kept up with the Redskins. I watched a few Atom Films. I read over my first two chapters. I still have them open on my computer. I lifted. I ate lunch. I woke up this morning...

Yesterday after I posted, I read the first chapter of my thesis. I do not know.

I then read a chapter from a book written by ML's friend. It was a good start to a story, but there were no ideas. The words sounded good, and I considered buying the PDF version of the book. But I did not. The author is living in L.A., and the chapter seemed like a scene to a movie not a novel.

I decided "who in the hell was I to criticize?" So, I wrote a story about Wal-Mart, Ayn Rand, and a black woman.

I feel like I am being torn apart. (This is a horrible analogy. I used quartered at first, but unless you are a Faces of Death fan you do not know what quartered means, and I don't have four horses.) [I have not lost my mind. I thought this rambling my help.]

One stallion is pulling me towards finishing this thesis: working my ass off on the trivialities that a good thesis discusses, and being done with it. I have had dreams about my thesis the past two nights. It is a heavy weight on me. It is where all my stress is born.)

Another is making me sit here and dick around on life's trivialities. If they fire me, I will find a place to work. This side of me wants me to read and learn. It wants to be an aristocrat. It wants me to find that original idea. This side feels that I am too smart for a thesis. They will never let me say what I want to say, so why say anything? This is my problem. It is ego. I am scared what my advisors will say. I am scared that I am not as smart as I think. I am scared lesser colleagues will be more successful than I am. I am scared, so I choose "not to run."

The last horse is pulling me towards home. If I want to be an entrepreneur, then Crozet is a fine place to start. I like making money. I enjoy selling microwave popcorn to DVD renters. I am just as comfortable in Crozet as I am here.

I am sitting here waiting on something (good) to happen. I think of Sarah Vaughan singing "My Favorite Things." I think of the sadness in her voice. I think of her commitment to persist. The existentialist tells me its all absurd, but we have to keep pushing the rock up the hill.

I think of another story that I wrote while avoiding work: "He assured himself that things could be much worse."

*John Hiatt

What I Am Doing Right Now

Here is a post from MarginalRevolution post:

"Other days are eaten up by errands. And I know it's usually my fault: I let errands eat up the day, to avoid facing some hard problem.

The most dangerous form of procrastination is unacknowledged type-B procrastination, because it doesn't feel like procrastination. You're "getting things done." Just the wrong things.

Any advice about procrastination that concentrates on crossing things off your to-do list is not only incomplete, but positively misleading, if it doesn't consider the possibility that the to-do list is itself a form of type-B procrastination. In fact, possibility is too weak a word. Nearly everyone's is. Unless you're working on the biggest things you could be working on, you're type-B procrastinating, no matter how much you're getting done."

I am real good at this type-B procrastination. I am always at the office. I am always doing something. But nothing important gets done. It is sad. (My philosophical side asks, "what is important?")

(CafeHayek also has some good posts. The New York Times Magazine article was enlightening. The author says some things I have been trying to say.)

A late addition to this post:

I have wasted most of the day. It got me to thinking about what I have really done. So far today, I have checked the news, read a short story on writer's bloc by Ayn Rand, listened to Joe Gibbs, read ESPN.com, lifted, ate lunch, and talked to a guy about how futile my life is for twenty minutes.

Over the past two weeks, I finished reading two books, George Orwell's Why I Write, and Noam Chomsky's The Prosperous Few and the Restless Many, helped my Dad out some at the video and grocery stores, made some video store orders, moved into my apartment, learned how to pay bills, spend a lot of money, worried about my thesis without working, and more that I forget.

I am going to start making "what have I done today" lists every night. I want to see how little I really do.

Why It Hardly Matters

I learned a few important things last year:

1. Moving is difficult. Start-up costs can quickly deplete a budget.

2. The life I live is a choice. I have to understand the consequences of my decisions as best as I can, but I have to decide. Most of life 's difficulties come from the lack of understanding. Once I decide, all I have to do is deal with the consequences.

3. "...there is no conflict of interest among men..."--Ayn Rand
There are misunderstandings that can be solved, but there is never reason for two people to engage in mutually destructive behavior. Never.

4. Confidence overcomes fear. Confidence does not overcome reality.

5. One has to appreciate people. Objects and ideas are nice, but people matter more.

6. From David Zetland's philosophy of travel: "Someone asked me what I learned in five years. I learned that parents love their children. The rest of my experience was about coping with me, what I wanted, what I couldn't get and why that hardly mattered."

7. When something does not work, throw it out.

Watch This

Harvie Krumpet

The Trains Ran On Time In NAZI Germany

(I wrote this post before the New Year. When I say "I do not want to feel bad," I am committing myself to determine why I feel bad. I am not saying that I never feel bad. It is obvious that I feel bad most of the time.)

This morning the bus left two minutes early, so I got in my car and drove. It would have sucked if I did not have a car.

I am trying to solve the contradiction between my appreciation of porn and my views on sex.

My goal in life is to purge emotions. I find no value in the primitive. There is no value in being cold from nakedness and lack of shelter. There is no value in hunger. There is no culture in poverty. I do not want to feel bad.

I appreciate beauty. Dave Brubeck's "Somewhere" makes me cry. Chekov and Hemingway's short stories excite me. Scoop Jackson's journalism elicits patriotic feelings. I do not want to be emotionless. I want to control my emotions. Being able to control emotions is humanity. It is God-like.

When I cry, I want to know why I am crying. When I am patriotic, I want to know why I am patriotic. When I love, I want to know why I am in love.

We have to get-off. We cannot bottle emotions and wait for ulcers.

This is where porn fits into the discussion. Porn consists of two consenting individuals having sex for monetary gain. They openly admit there actions are for pecuniary purposes. There are no implied contracts. The risks have been accounted for and reconciled. Emotions are being controlled.

Emotions are not controlled in many sexual relations. There usually is an implicit contract not fully understood by one party. Risks are not accounted for and not reconciled. The two parties do not understand why they are engaging in sexual activity.

Porn helps me control my emotions.

Napping, Morning Rituals, and Calculus

I have always thought that an early afternoon nap led to productive evenings, sometimes. I have never thought about the pleasure of a nap, until I read this post at 2blowhards.com. A good nap does make me feel better about the world.

I find this post uplifting. I too often forget the beautiful things in the world.

This is how I am going to study for the qualifiers.

Inspiration

When I am lazy, I look through my "idea folder" which contains written reminders of moments in my life. I hope for inspiration. It rarely comes.

Today's search led me to our new department head's interview seminar. He said the department should reach out to urban areas as well as the rural areas traditionally focused on by our department. My smart-ass comment consisted of : "Who do we demonize? Suburbia."

Bastiat discussed this fallacy in 'The Petition of the Candlemakers." If you try to help everyone, then everyone loses. Urban (suburban) video and grocery store profits subsidize rural agriculture. The Left and politicians in general do not understand that production is required for subsidization. Production (really excess production but using excess will lead to confusion) makes taxes possible. Wealth does not materialize from the air.

On a different note, it is obvious that I do not want to do this type of work. I have something to say, but I am too scared to say it. I wrote in a book one time, that I "will be scared most of my life." I do not remember what I wrote after that, but I will be scared.

There comes a time when a man must stop talking to himself. He must enter the fray, be it with a lover or in an intellectual circle jerk. One must have a basic level of knowledge before he enters. After I finish reading Why I Write, I will be ready.

"A man dreams of leaving, but he always stays behind" from U2's "Lemon"

George Orwell's Why I Write

"I am not able, and I do not want, completely to abandon the world-view that I acquired in childhood. So long as I remain alive and well I shall continue to feel strongly about prose style, to love the surface of the earth, and to take pleasure in solid objects and scraps of useless information. It is no use trying to suppress that side of myself." (pgs. 8 and 9)

It really is no use.

I Cannot Imagine Employment Where I Did Not Work Weekends

I guess I will always be a retail man.

Its not like what I am doing now is work. I have spent all day trying to decide if I want to start reading a book, if I want to clean my office, what do I want to stock my apartment with, making a list of things to do over break, checking finances, making video orders, asking myself how in the hell did I get here, and a hundred other meaningless things. Basically, I have done nothing.

I have read enough Hayek to know planning is futile. "We never failed to fail. It was the easiest thing to do."--C,S,N, and Y

I have to figure out how to ride the bus. I am sure that will be an adventure in itself.

Well, I should start cleaning the office. Or, maybe I should go to Wal-Mart. Or, maybe I should eat dinner.

"Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand, the gold and the rainbow, but nothing panned out as I planned"--Indigo Girls "Watershed"

I wonder if they are libertarians...

How 'bout Them Cowboys

Key Word Economists

Tyler Cowen at MarginalRevolution.com worries about a Google nation here.

Education is becoming less about philosophical thinking and more about superficial answers to trivial questions.

Economics PhD courses are about getting correct answers to meaningless questions. Thinking about what the question really says is not allowed.

The question is what am I going to do about it.

If Blogger Does Not Post And No One Notices...

I was trying to play on "a tree falling in the forest that no one hears," but I am too tired.

What I have learned in my twenty four years:

1. Moving is hell.

2. You cannot question your effort. We do as much as we can.

3. The internet is first and foremost entertainment.

4. Entrepreneurial freedom is the difference between liberty and slavery. A politician did not make the internet important. A politician did not make nationalized currencies work.

5. Sex is humans' last primal instinct. We have bastardized violence beyond primal. Violence has become secondary. Sex is still primary.

6. I do not know what happiness is. I think it is linked to getting out of bed in the morning.

Winning

It was a difficult Saturday for me. Bridgewater got blown out of Delaware by Wesley. Virginia Tech laid an egg in the ACC Championship. Even though its been two months, the Braves' playoff collapse is stuck in my mind. I am convinced the Redskins will find a way to blow their game against the Rams (they did not).

My first reaction is to blame the coaches. The head coach at Bridgewater is a disciple of Frank Beamer. Like Bobby Cox, they rarely take chances. Also, Bridgewater and Virginia Tech's players are not out of control, but they do not take care of details. The Braves are so professional that people question their passion.

All three use their team's talent to defeat inferior teams. They win regular season games. But, they are not able to win big games on a consistent basis. The Braves and Virginia Tech (they did not beat USC or Auburn last year) speak for themselves. Bridgewater does not have a national championship. The last two times they got deep in the playoffs they got blown out in the quarter and semi-finals.

I fantasize about coaching. All intelligent ex-players think they could coach better than they were coached. I would not have attempted the field goal and went for the touchdown. I would have showed confidence in my offense. I would have slowed down the blitz with screens and outs. I would have found someone to throw the short and intermediate passes to keep the game close. I would have gotten Farnsworth out of there earlier. I would have found a player to get the big hit.

I am delusional. I could not do a better job. I am being a fan.

But, I have always identified with these teams. I am unable to win the big one myself. I am always in the office, but I am unable to find that great idea. I am confident that I will be pretty good at whatever I pursue, but I will not be the best. I lack discipline and face a talent shortage.

The thing I have to remember is that I would rather be around come championship time than sitting at home. The sad thing is the Redskins will win a Super Bowl before the Braves win another World Series or Bridgewater or Virginia Tech win a national championship.

One has to define success before he can achieve it. Right now, I am unable to define it.

Another Dopeless Hope Fiend

I read this statement in a bathroom stall on the second floor of the Alexander Mack library at Bridgewater College.

I try not to pay attention to compliments. I have too many flaws to worry about compliments.

A colleague told me that I overemphasize everyday occurrences. He meant it as a backhanded slap, and it irked me at first. But when you think about it, there is so much stupid shit that occurs daily, it needs to be overemphasized. Many do not see the imperfections around them. If I do, then that makes me special.

At Bridgewater two honors students told me that I got more out of reading and learning than the vast majority. They were both intelligent, and I valued their opinion. Many people learn and read superficially (like I did with my classes this semester). People do not understand why I write in the books that I read. To me, reading is a conversation between myself and the author. My notes are my side of the conversation. (They said this because a guy in my group was supposed to read a company's annual report. He did not show up to class, and I had to fill in for him. I was able to question the financial health of the company and answer the professor's questions after reading the report for five minutes. I was also able to take ideas we learned in economics classes and apply them. Very few could do that, especially since there were only four economics majors at Bridgewater.)

ML said I was too intense. I have been around enough good athletes to know what intensity really is. Intensity is underrated. Successful people have to be intense. It is a quality I value.

But, really, I am just another dopeless hope fiend.

I Usually Don't Do Stupid Stuff Like This

Copied from Random Ramblings who copied it from some "random blog."

1. YOUR DRAG NAME(first pet and street you live on)
Jazper Blue Ridge

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME(grandfather/grandmother on father's side first name, favorite snack)
James Everything

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME(first word you see on your left, favorite restaurant)
Coase Donthaveone

4. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME(first initial of first name, first three letters of your middle name)
Jder (What about Jere or Jerk?)

5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME(favorite animal, name of high school)
Dog Western

6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name, city where you were born)
Derek Crozet (I cheated, its really Derek Charlottesville)

7. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME(name of dad/mom, cell phone company you use)
Brenda Alltel

8. YOUR STAR WARS NAME(first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother\'s maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet\'s name)
Maumawjab I like this one, and it is the only reason I posted.

I am much too serious.

"I Will Love You With All The Madness In My Soul"*

The Neo-Marxist told us last night that you have to care about what you are doing. His passionate speech made really think about what I am doing.

This discipline has hope. It holds didactic lessons that will survive the test of time. There will always be room for economic (political) philosophers. It is a valuable profession that has bastardized itself into something it is not.

My Albanian colleague: "America is better. These idiots with their noses turned up will never succeed until they realize that America is better."

Myself: "Well, America's system is better. Its institutions are better."

Albanian: "No, America is better, period."

We were really talking about productive individuals. A country is not great. Only individuals are great. It does not matter if they were American or not, but it was a good conversation.

America's commitment to the customer has made it the country it is today. It is why I struggle to understand my European professors. The customer (student) is sovereign in America. This mentality allows societal processes to find proper solutions to problems.

I am over the heptathlete.

*Bruce Springsteen

This is a great line. Men are crazy. They are primitive. They could snap at any second. Some do. But, the ones who find someone or something to love with all of the madness in their soul are cured of the curse. The ones who channel their craziness into devotion are the ones who succeed.