Keeping to something I started a few weeks back, I thought about writing about all of the things that I did do on my list. I realized that no matter what I did; I did not accomplish what I wanted.
I have never been goal-oriented. I like waking up in the morning knowing that I am going to do whatever the hell I want. I hate saying "I have to."
The problem is that if I do not start saying "have to" then I am going to die poor (in more ways than one).
I never believed that there was a "man." There had to be free choice in the world. People were not slaves.
I have not been a communist since my sophomore year of college, but you have to appreciate some Marx.
Here is a reply to my sister who said our family's problem was that we were perfectionists:
"Pompous People Rule The World
For the last week, I have been in a blog discussion about happiness. I told someone that acting happy was not being happy. Other people's responses have been mixed. Some people say that you can make yourself happy; you can act happy. My claim has been you have to tell the truth. You cannot deny reality. Life could be better. It could be worse too. You have to tell the truth to be happy.
I finally see the futility in my education. I know a lot of information, but the information does me no good. I am trying to write this thesis, but I do not have the courage to say what I want to say. Because I want to say it is all meaningless. I want to say I have wasted $20,000 of taxpayers' money. I want to say it would have been better spent on repairing Filipino roads or reducing Filipino corruption. To write this thesis I have to lie. I cannot lie and be happy.
We know we are not perfect. We just choose to pursue perfection.
But, our problem is not the pursuit of perfection but compromise. Mama, Daddy, and Granddaddy did not teach us how to compromise. Most people find it easy to compromise. I have become lazy, but if the old man called, I would drive home to be at the store by 7:00AM. I am lazy now not out of compromise but out of rejecting compromise. I would rather do nothing than do something half-ass. You becoming a teacher and me becoming an economist is compromise. You have to submit to some supervisor and principal. I have to submit to some advisors and an archaic system. There are things we can learn, but we see our bosses standing in our way and forcing us to compromise. We cannot stand it. We cannot stand the thought that we might not control our destiny.
The last day I officially worked at the grocery store I bought these local grapes that Daddy told me not to buy. I was convinced they would sell. They did not, but I had to explain to Daddy that I followed his lead. He does what he thinks is right, and I do what I think is right. I will not compromise on right and wrong.
Lately I have felt like it was time to let go. I want to get my degree and get the hell out of here. I want to find a woman who does not mind waking up next to me forever. But I am going to give it a few more days. The inability to compromise is the only quality that separates us from the other Maupins. It is what makes us special."
If graduate school was supposed to humble you; then I have not learned a damn thing.
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