Thursday, October 12, 2006

External Gratification

I am 25 years old and still need someone to tell me I am special. I still need external gratification.

One colleague told me this was pure ego. Two other colleagues told me this was natural. You live your whole life for other's approval. It is not necessarily a good thing but it is real.

Everything I do is because of pride. I still think the video store and grocery store reflects on me personally, and I have not worked any significant time at either one for two years. Pride is the source of all the good things in my life. It is the reason why I am in graduate school.

But pride is also a curse. It is the source of all my disappointment. It is the reason I have trouble getting out of bed. It is the reason I struggle with myself. It causes my troubles in relationships with other people.

I believe that one day you have to become happy with yourself. The irrational desire for external gratification leaves, and you realize "I have the right to exist."


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