Why I Couldn't Be A Football Coach

After today's Redskins' game, if I was Jim Zorn, this is what I would say at the post-game news conference:

"Well, I felt like the interception-fumble for a touchdown at the end of the first half could have gone either way. I think Sellers fumble could have gone either way. My real question is did Sellers quit going after the ball because of the whistle, and we saw what happened at the end of the first half. What if? Where is the damned counter-factual? How can you let a referee decide what would have happened if the dumb-ass side judge hadn't blown the whistle? How in the hell did he have indisputable video evidence? I am going to lose my job because of what some referee thought might have happened.

I say all of this fully recognizing that the calls and the bounces could have gone either way. Football is a game of luck. We aren't that good, but we were unlucky as hell out there today. In fact, we sucked for the first eight or nine weeks of the season. But we've played okay the last three weeks and we're 0-3. I believe as a team, as an organization, we don't know how to win yet. But that is bullshit too. We are all professionals. We have all won and lost before. And we'll win and lose again.

Some times things don't go you way. And it gives your fans ulcers. And it gets coaches fired. And it gets Canadian kickers waived. But you know what it is just a football game. Snyder is making money. The NFL is making money. Players are making money. I will be fired, but I've made money too.

Also for the record, I don't think too much of Sean Payton. I don't think he or Gregg Williams agrees with my "luck" philosophy. But we all know he'll get beat and probably won't win a Super Bowl. Our mediocre team proved that they aren't that good. If they couldn't stop us, then they'll never stop Favre and the Vikings. Also we found out that Brees is human too. But it really is a game of luck, so who knows what will happen?

Thank you, now all of you reporters can go back to covering Tiger Woods. He is a much more interesting story and his story doesn't anyone ulcers. Except for him and Elin, and maybe their immediate family."