"Thought I Had A Line On Something No One Else Could Say, But They Couldn't Find It In Their Hearts To Get Out Of My Way"*

It is after 7:00PM. Very few are left in the office. I am here.

I ordered contacts this morning. I read the news. I kept up with the Redskins. I watched a few Atom Films. I read over my first two chapters. I still have them open on my computer. I lifted. I ate lunch. I woke up this morning...

Yesterday after I posted, I read the first chapter of my thesis. I do not know.

I then read a chapter from a book written by ML's friend. It was a good start to a story, but there were no ideas. The words sounded good, and I considered buying the PDF version of the book. But I did not. The author is living in L.A., and the chapter seemed like a scene to a movie not a novel.

I decided "who in the hell was I to criticize?" So, I wrote a story about Wal-Mart, Ayn Rand, and a black woman.

I feel like I am being torn apart. (This is a horrible analogy. I used quartered at first, but unless you are a Faces of Death fan you do not know what quartered means, and I don't have four horses.) [I have not lost my mind. I thought this rambling my help.]

One stallion is pulling me towards finishing this thesis: working my ass off on the trivialities that a good thesis discusses, and being done with it. I have had dreams about my thesis the past two nights. It is a heavy weight on me. It is where all my stress is born.)

Another is making me sit here and dick around on life's trivialities. If they fire me, I will find a place to work. This side of me wants me to read and learn. It wants to be an aristocrat. It wants me to find that original idea. This side feels that I am too smart for a thesis. They will never let me say what I want to say, so why say anything? This is my problem. It is ego. I am scared what my advisors will say. I am scared that I am not as smart as I think. I am scared lesser colleagues will be more successful than I am. I am scared, so I choose "not to run."

The last horse is pulling me towards home. If I want to be an entrepreneur, then Crozet is a fine place to start. I like making money. I enjoy selling microwave popcorn to DVD renters. I am just as comfortable in Crozet as I am here.

I am sitting here waiting on something (good) to happen. I think of Sarah Vaughan singing "My Favorite Things." I think of the sadness in her voice. I think of her commitment to persist. The existentialist tells me its all absurd, but we have to keep pushing the rock up the hill.

I think of another story that I wrote while avoiding work: "He assured himself that things could be much worse."

*John Hiatt