I Was Going To Church This Morning

I put on my khakis and my black clown shoes. I got to the office early. I was ready to find religion.

I had enough time to do my morning Email and blog check, and I found this through MarginalRevolution. It is long but life-affirming. It should be read.

It took me so long that I missed the church's artificial schedule. The read was worth it. If everything works out, I will have plenty chances to go to church.

The author says what I have been feeling for the past few weeks. Everyone goes through these periods where they are forced to reevaluate themselves. Most of the time nothing changes. The reevaluation is inconclusive. "Yeah, I am not happy, but what is the alternative?"

I broke my leg on Saturday September 8th, 2001. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday in the hospital dealing with surgery. On Monday night, Denver Bronco's wide receiver Ed McCaffrey broke in his leg badly. I had slept all day and that play was the only time I was coherent. I never blamed football but I certainly questioned its merit.

Tuesday morning I was awake enough to see the towers crumble. Because of my situation, I did not have the knee-jerk reaction to want to get up and fight. I could be a victim. I layed in bed trying to recover. Recovering was the only thing I could do.

I missed a week of classes, but I still got a 4.0 that semester. I threw shotput in the Winter and Spring. I was proud, but I know it is another meaningless accomplishment. Aren't all past accomplishments meaningless?

I guess this is where I stand today. Everything that I have done, all my investments, all my commitments are spread across the table, and I do not see anything. I am not a "Smart Guy." I am not a "Creative Guy." I am not a "Business Guy." I am not a "Beer Guy." I am not a "Sex Guy." I am twenty four years old and like when I was thirteen, I do not fit in anywhere.

I like to read good writing. I like to watch or listen to good games. I like collecting useful knowledge, but the knowledge I am forced to collect is nonsense. I have a family who cares about me. My arms are shaping up some. My chest is massive but unattractive. My confidence comes and goes, but I think I am beginning to understand my emotional side. I have potential.

Our past accomplishments are meaningless, but so are our past failures. We have to live with our potential not our past.