Things I Can Do Without

A few weeks ago I was playing basketball with my cousins' cousin's husband. He a was 25 year old American wearing a soccer jersey. Naturally he was rich prick.

He was a good athlete. But I told my other cousin "If we knock him down, he will quit." I will always be a prole.

I was right. He drove to the basket. I got in front of him, and he went to the ground hard. I gave him the foul, but I still think it was a charge if it was anything. He did not drive to the basket again.

Now I did this too late in the game, and we lost. This was mostly due to the fact I was playing with 13 and 14 year olds who had no concept of defense at all. (I have been meaning to write a post about the sad state of basketball for weeks.)

But my thrill of the weekend, the month, maybe the year was knocking the shit out of that guy. It was the greatest thing I had done since beating all of those rich preppies on the AP US History exam.

I will always be a prole. I used to think that my prole's anger is what separated me from my colleagues. I hate authority. I hate the status quo. Hatred can provide energy. Hatred leads to caring. Anyone who cares can be dangerous and cause change.

But over the last few weeks, I have decided I have to let some things go. I cannot let the thrill of knocking some rich prick down be the highlight of my life. And I need to avoid situations like that. I should only play basketball occasionally with friends who I will have to see again. Competition can be good. But at my age the first and foremost competition has to be with myself. I cannot keep defining success as how many people I knock the shit out of and are "better than" (whatever the hell that means).

I did not win the game. My prole's anger took my eye away from the goal. If I want to be truly dangerous, I have to win.