Boredom

My father's work is his life. He loves his family. But work is the reason he gets his tired body out of bed. There might have been a time when work was just a way to get things for his family, but work became his life.

My work is not my life. I have been bored for over a year.

I came to graduate school wanting to change the world. By the Spring of my second year, I knew I could never change the world from graduate school. I saw a bunch of professors who pretended. I saw students who chose to be indifferent and played the game. My ambition slipped into boredom and depression.

I decided there had to be more to life than work. I stay in school under the false pretense it is an investment in my future. But work is not going to be my life. I have given up on excelling or caring. It is not worth it. Like the high schooler who does not fit in with any clique, I will make fun of everyone and still get a degree.

But it will not work. I am pretending too.

The last year has felt like I have been waiting for the first day of football practice. On the first day, you run. You run a lot. No matter how hard you train, the running is hard. It wipes you out. But when you are done with the first day, practice gets easier. You dread the first day for eight months, but the first day comes and goes. No matter how much you puked or how sore your legs are, life progresses.

So I have to get through the first practice. I do not know exactly what that means. It has something to do with caring about what I am doing. It has something to do about making a decision and going "balls to the wall." It has something to do with telling the fear of failure "fuck you." It has something to do about discipline. It has something to do with confidence. It has something to do with happiness.

There has to be a day when boredom ends. There has to be a day when depression ends. Why not today?
(My jackass side wants to say why not tomorrow or next week? Is that my jackass side or is it just me? Stopthink.)