Why I Lift? And Concerning The Ideal Woman

ML asked if I was a pretty boy. If I am a pretty boy then I am a hapless failure.

Everyone has to get close to God (Truth). Truth and I meet in the weight room. When I am lifting weights, He cleanses my soul. He allows me to get glimpses of the Ideal Life and Ideal Man. He protects me from injury and strikes me with soreness to remind me of Him. The weight room is where I pray. It is where I try to mold myself into His image.

I am not saying there is no social aspect to it. But I used to lift at Bridgewater at 6:00AM. Sometimes I was by myself or with 65 year old Coach Spencer. When Coach Spencer was there, I knew Truth was with me.

Concerning the ideal woman:

I am scared of rejection. This fear is normal. It is the fear of not controlling your own destiny.

Mostly, I am scared of myself:

I am scared of love. I am scared of being whipped. I am scared of being duped. I am scared of unconditionally caring. I am scared of heartbreak.

I am scared that someone will love me without me loving them. This fear is more intense than being whipped. I cannot stand hurting someone else. Its like killing someone while driving. Destroying your own life is more tolerable than destroying someone else's.

I am scared I have no ideals.

I am scared I will talk myself out of my ideals and lose the woman of my dreams.

I am scared I reject women, because I want their mind. I want them to challenge me in impossible ways. I am scared that I ask too much.

I am scared I will be dishonest. I can lie. I think too much to not know some lies.

Again, I am scared of myself.

Of course, most of these fears are vain dribble, but it takes vanity to get over the fear of rejection.


My mother is a wonderful person. All she does is love. She is not dumb but she contributed very little to my intellect. Her unconditional love has helped me grow in numerous ways, but our philosophical foundations differ.

Her relationship with my father (who I relate to better) is fine, but I want something different. I want to have deep conversations. I want someone to challenge me intellectually. I want someone who enjoys Miles. I want someone to tell me what Natalie Merchant means in "Stockton Gala Days". I want to talk to someone about Ibsen's and Chekhov's plays. I want a woman who appreciates selling. I want feedback.

These wants scare me. Are they too much? Are they too little? Should I just want love? Is love I all I can get?

I do not like setting goals, but here is one: I am going to find a date for the Chick Corea concert in either Charlottesville or Roanoke.

Goal setting is stupid.