Dealing With Me And Why That Hardly Matters

An inner conversation:
"They've killed my will to live."

"Who are they?"
(Silence)

"There is no they."


I am lazy. I have mental health issues. I cannot deny these facts.

I have not done anything for the past three days. The reasons behind this laziness is a blend of infatuation, self-pity, and depressing fear. I am scared to fail.

I am scared of assimilation. I see myself becoming what I hate. I have no passion for research. A guy suggested transferring to another program. I had to explain to him its not the program but the life in general. I do not want to get out of bed in the morning.

My grandfather had survived the Great Depression and won WWII by the time he was my age. My father had lost his mother, watched his brother go to Vietnam, and had driven trucks to Carolina on two hours sleep. I am not saying their experiences were better than mine. But, I realize my current pursuits might not be utility maximizing.

With all this being said, I have to make one final push to see what happens. I have to get that "lethal ape" mentality not the "hungover fuck-you" attitude I have now. I have to find out once and for all.