Chugging The Mountain Dew, Sucking It Up, And Moving Forward

I've been working in Richmond for the last couple of weeks. I get up at 5:00AM. I leave at 6:00AM. I stop by Starbucks to check my Email. I get to the office and my unconnected desktop at 8:00AM. (This morning I can't come into 11:00AM, but I still got up at 5:00AM). I try to leave the office by 3:30PM or 4:00PM to beat rush hour.

In some ways, I hate it. Some of this hate is specifically related to what I am doing. I really doubt the power of statistics when it comes to making big complicated dynamic decisions. I might get into more details later, but let's leave it at that for the time being.

In other ways, I like the routine of it all. I go home and play my parents' Wii. I really enjoy tennis, bowling and Wii Fit. I really like telling everyone that I have been up at 5:00AM for ten straight days. I like watching the sun rise on my commute in, and the sun starting to set on my commute home.

But the other day, at about 10:30AM, I almost lost it. The uncertainties of my life, of these times really got to me. I was going to leave and not come back. I was ready to say "fuck it" and start all over. I was ready to push reset on my life, tell my Dad it was time to open the restaurant/pool room/coffee shop/grocery store/convenience store he has always talked about. It was time to make my own luck. It was time to make myself a real man, not an graduate student, not an economic researcher.

I walked to the break room, shotgunned a can of Mountain Dew in 45 seconds, took a deep breath, and went back to my desk.

My time will come.

My Day

1. I forgot my belt. This was a fireable offense at the grocery store. I kept my shirt-tail untucked most of the day. This looks sloppy. Tucking in without a belt looks like crap.

2. I was supposed to have a meeting at 9:00AM. The professor didn't show up. This did not help my day. It kind of killed my productivity. Of course, the productivity reduction is my fault, but this is what I was getting at in number 4 of this post.

3. I had a sinus drop. Ginger ale helped. Some cookies calmed the stomach down, but sinus drops are not fun.

4. I am upgrading Vista. "This could take up to several hours."

"Wild At Heart" Or Another Therapeutic Dump

I am who I fucking am.

If all you want is to spread your ideas but refuse to write, who are you?

If all you want is to share your passion but refuse to commit, who are you?

If all you want is to drink but refuse to swallow, who are you?

If all you want is to change but refuse to try, who are you?

If all you want is confidence but refuse to be proud, who are you?

If all you want is independence but refuse to separate, who are you?

If all you want is acceptance but refuse to congratulate, who are you?

If all you want is life but refuse to live, who are you?

At the end of the day, you must be who you fucking are, even if it hurts, even if it is tough, even if it makes you cry.

I am who I am.

Football And Baseball

There is something different about football players. Basketball players don't have it. Baseball players certainly don't have it. I guess it is a kind of humilty born in the trenches, born in the fact that players suffer through two-a-days, suffer through constant bruises and collisions.

Football players have a respect. A friend told me that football teaches: "If you attack something like a crazy man, there's no time to worry and it's so much fun." But the craziness is tempered by the humilty that comes with getting knocked on your ass, by the humility that you need teammates to be successful. A quarterback without a line or recievers or running backs might show flashes, but he'll never win.

Yeah, there are great players, special players who deserve a degree of cockiness. But no fan can really see your face when you're on the field. I am not saying there aren't assholes who play football, but even T.O. cried for Tony Romo once. And the majority of players know they are one unlucky injury away from being released or not walking right again.

I think this is why nobody really cares about steroids in the NFL. I don't know A-Rod. I never will. I really don't care what he took. But I don't like him that much. He just doesn't seem humble. Neither does Roger Clemens. Neither did most of the baseball players I knew.

My dad always said that some guys just needed their ass kicked. To me, A-Rod just needs his ass kicked once or twice.

Hopefully A Therapeutic Dump

1. I am sitting here waiting to get my oil changed. On CNN, the "media" and the President are railing against bonuses and record profits. All I can think is "Damn, I wish I was getting these bonuses or had invested in these companies." We live in "interesting times." And I am just a guy trying to find my way and not doing a good job at it.

2. I have always prided myself on knowing when to "get out," knowing when my welcome was worn out and it was time to go. But on Monday night, I visited this newlywed couple. I was talking to the wife about something pointless. It was a conversation that should have lasted fifteen minutes. But I kept talking and the husband came out, and I made up something about my future. I tried to converse about things I knew nothing about that the husband did. And an hour and fifteen minutes later, I finally remembered that this was a newlywed couple who wanted to do what newlyweds do. I blame some of this on being in a long-distance relationship and overstaying my welcome at graduate school which means many of my friends have moved on with their life. But the event has made me introspective.

3. On a similar note, I saw one of my old high school coaches last night. He only coached me my junior year, but he knew my dad who did stats for him for a few years. I kind-of introduced myself, but he couldn't remember me and was going to the basketball game. It was another one of these moments where I should have just gotten away, but I lingered two extra minutes. Again the event made me introspective. It has been eleven years since my junior year of high school.

4. The problem with older people, many who are in authority, is they are not very organized and not willing to change. This means that younger people get frustrated with them and also don't get better organizing skills. I am having a hard time creating my "Getting Things Done" system. Most of this is my fault, but there are some open loops caused by people I am working with. But most of it is my fault.

How Do We See Ourselves?

David Brooks challenges Rand. (I have a feeling that Randites or Randians or Objectivists or individualists would say Brooks' mixed commitment to the collective represents the main problem with modern American conservatism.) You can read Ryne Sandberg's comments and say "What a great and selfless man " or you can say "What a selfish, self-important, pious prick--NAZI soldiers did what they were "supposed to" too." Or you can feel and say something in-between.

No matter what, I still don't like the Cubs.

Some Things From 2003 Or Man, I Used To Have A Different Side Or James Taylor's "Fire And Rain" Pulled Me From The Ashes

The bathroom wall said "Wake me up inside." All I could say was "No." Why must I hate the rules that we must abide?

It isn't what you used to be or even who you are--it only matters who you're expected to be.
(I would change "who you're expected to be" now. I don't know what to change it to, but I would change it.)

You know: I guess a lesbian can't get AIDS.

I am too out of touch to be good at anything. I am a stranger in a strange land.

Metropolitan was a great fucking movie. (It is.)

Blue sky
Black night
Moon shines
Sun encourages
You die
Period (The End)
(Probably not the best time for this one. But I am discussing the life-death theme that has been around forever. I also have some different opinions about the ending, but that is what I wrote in 2003. )

Shit or get off the pot.

Bullshit. We are here. They are not. And might never be. Therefore we get the right. (Discussing Inter-generational Equity)

If nobody can afford them then they are worthless. (Discussing the end of natural resources.)

I would rather meet a person who was open about their prejudices then one who was clandestine about them.

There is no such thing as fairy tales. Just fairies and tail. (I must have stole this from somewhere, just can't remember where.)

Surprises

I realized today I had not written a resolutions blog post. I am not going to do one.

I would like to exercise more. So last Tuesday, I went to the gym to lift weights. I had been jogging, but it was raining. I lifted for the first time in six months. I did a lot better than I expected. I can still bench my weight. I could be pushing up 3 bills in a few months. I could get to 1.5 times my body weight even faster.

But I do not want that. I just want to avoid the doctor.

I feel like an adult.

Winning The Big One

My dad sponsored a rec league softball team when I was high school. The team was a story in itself, an eclectic mix of old high school stars past their prime and high schoolers still searching for their prime. We won the regular season championship two years in a row. But we didn't win the postseason playoff either year. (I and some of my teammates were somewhat limited because the playoffs were during two-a-days, but I make no excuses.)

Now it made my dad mad when a guy who once played told him that all that mattered were the postseason playoffs. "The regular season doesn't matter. It is about winning the big one."

Maybe they guy was right. But all I remember are the stories about the old guys past their prime and the guys who were still waiting on their prime.

Joe Posnanski Tries To Say What I Was Trying To Say

I cannot decide if he says it well or not. Maybe he is not trying to say what I was trying to say. But it is only commentary. No one except Texas and Ohio State players knows how it feel to play in the 2009 Fiesta Bowl. No one except Quan Cosby knows how it feels to catch a Fiesta Bowl winning touchdown. Joe's commentary is entertaining, but it is just commentary.

Football: College (NCAA Division I Bowl Championship Subdivision) And Professional Or A New Year's Resolution

The BCS does not bother me. It does not keep me up at night. I do not care. Leagues, associations, conferences and bowls are not about finding the best team. They are just structure to a great game, just a way to know the season is over.*

*When I was a kid, I wanted to develop a local Wiffle Ball league. I had the teams, the venues, the regular and post-season determined. I wanted to design the Crozet Wiffle Ball League (CWBL). I wanted to be a commissioner. Then one summer my dad came out and played with us. He added his structure. His structure was not my structure. And I never wanted a CWBL anymore. I just wanted to play in the backyard with my cousin and neighbors. Today I would like to go back and play wiffle ball in the backyard.

The NFL and college football seasons are mostly done. Most teams' seasons are over. And no one can tell me who the best team is. In college football, Utah beat Alabama in one game. But you can't convince me that Utah would beat Alabama 51 out of a 100 times. I have no idea how good Boise State or Ball State or Virginia Tech or Georgia Tech or Texas Tech or LSU or Mississippi or Penn State really is. USC is good, but they did lose to Oregon State who lost to Penn State. Who knows?

The NFL is parity. If you randomly simulated a hundred seasons, I think every team would average an 8-8 season with some exceptions (New England and Detroit come to mind). There are no best teams--just lucky and unlucky ones.

Of course, we cannot randomly simulate seasons and we will never know who is the best. And that is the point of football, especially for fans. Football is about stories. It is about debating "the best," "who would beat who," the pure violence of the sport, and the complicated people playing it. It is about our commentary on the game.*

*I say all of this while listening to a NFL number cruncher swear his numbers predicted the playoffs, swear his numbers can prove most anything about the NFL. This is commentary too.

So I will continue to read and watch the commentary on the NFL and college football. But I will remember it is just commentary. And I will recognize that my commentary does not matter to anyone but me.

Written On The Back Of A Package Of Foam Cups

"Foam cups are energy efficient. A ceramic mug must be washed and reused 1006 times and a glass washed and reused 393 times before it becomes as energy efficient as using disposable cups.*

*Hocking, "Reusable and Disposable Cups: An Energy Based Evaluation," Environmental Management 18(6) pp. 889-899 (1994)."

I always wondered about this, and I cannot comment on the validity of the study. But I have heard that there were a lot of myths floating around. Maybe the lesson here is that competition and free market choices (in this case people deciding between foam cups and mugs) leads to a workable (I dare say "sustainable") outcome. (In different contexts, a mug or a foam cup might be more efficient.) Given uncertainty and the inability to determine individual preferences, there is no optimal outcome. But the market has lead to a non-dooming outcome. Even though all I ever heard was how bad foam cups were.

(I know there are other reasons to not use foam cups, but my point is that full information is impossible while decisions must be made especially concerning coffee.)

Some Things (That I Forgot To Publish)

1. I used twice as much electricity last month than I ever had in three years at my apartment. Something is clearly wrong, and it is a bad time of year to get anything done about it.



2. Some times it is important to act important. Part of life is deluding oneself. A neck tie can increase my productivity. It makes feel good inside. Acting and self-delusion is part of the game.



3. I am not failing. I am just not succeeding at the pace I would like.



4. My dad says arithmetic is more important than calculus. I argued for calculus with "Calculus made the machine so your cashiers wouldn't have to know how to make change." The lesson here is we define what is important to us and move forward from there. There is no use arguing about some things.

A Great Quote By George W. Bush

From this article, “That’s what people do in a free society, draw attention to themselves,” as the man’s screaming could be heard outside.

I am not going to comment on Bush's legacy. I don't have enough time for that. But I don't think it is as black and white as some would like to think.

Establish Productive Routines

This has been my motto recently. Part of life is tricking your mind and body into doing things that it knows are at best marginally important.

But I haven't developed any routine about computer file storage. For some unknown reason I took my flash drive home last night. Usually I Gmail files, but last night, I saved my working files on a flashdrive an brought it home.

This isn't insurmountable. It is possible for me to go home and be back in the office within an hour. There are also other things I can do.

But the whole thing reminds me how important "productive routines" are. Some things you just have to do the same way over and over again.

Some Things

1. The difficulties involved in evidence-based medicine and national health care are immense.

2. Last week I drove 1500 miles in 6 days, and that is okay.

3. Being a good worker (employee) and having a strong work ethic are not the same.

4. If you drink 50 ounces of caffeine-filled liquid, then you should expect to piss often.

5. It's all about focus. Focus. Refocus.

Current Events Or Humans

He screamed at them: "What the fuck are you laughing at? Don't you see the world is collapsing? Don't you see you have no future? Don't you see your youth will disappear? Don't you see you will die? But first you will suffer through life. Your youth will waste away. And you won't be laughing."

They were initially shocked, their eyes wide because of fear and surprise. But when he left, they continued to laugh.

College Football

1. Some times a decent offensive team cannot score. They drive the ball but make mistakes. Or they just cannot get anything going even though many plays are close. Most offenses that have these problems have no identity. They are usually "balanced" offenses without any superstars or "go-to" guys. This is what happened to Tech last night. They played a vastly inferior opponent (from a talent standpoint), a team that would lose three out of ten times to a team of Division III all-stars. They could have ran the ball down the team's throat. They could have passed the ball down the field. But mistakes and a lack of commitment to an identity kept the inferior team in the game. Tech's defense has an identity. They have an attitude. "When in doubt, blitz and take chances in the secondary." Tech's offense has nothing but a few athletes. It also has very little leadership.

2. Coaching matters. Quarterbacks cannot run with the ball in one hand. Once a quarterback decides to run, he has to tuck it and protect the football. A senior center who gets hurt has to know to lay on the field for a few minutes so the back-up center can get a few snaps with the quarterback. It isn't about being a tough guy. It is about smart football. Tech football is not smart. Offenses have to be smart to succeed consistently. Smartness is one of the only things coaches can add to a team.

3. One day I will write up my playoff plan for college football. My first premise is that to have an effective playoff, the number of teams in Division I-A have to be decreased. Each game as to provide information about a team. Florida beating up on the Citadel says nothing. Tech barely beating Duke is just as meaningless. We will never know how good Boise State or Ball State really is. Even if they make it to the BCS and beat a BCS team, we still will not know how good they were.

4. This goes back to number one. I think some coaches are pompous arrogant jerks. They are committed to something and will not sway from it no matter what. This thought is inspired by Michigan football, Bill Callahan's Nebraska and Notre Dame somewhat. In college football, these dogmatists succeed some times. Other times it does not. I still think the best approach is to evaluate talent before the season and on a week to week basis and coach smartness, mental toughness, and an identity. But I am not, have never been, and have no immediate plans to be a coach.

Saturday Afternoon Thoughts

1. I have just spent three hours getting my laptops to immediately connect to a wireless network without password authentication. I had to update drivers. I had to wing some things and get away from the network-given directions. But I finally got it to work. I know why people don't like Windows. Making things simple is not the same as making things work.

2. The most important thing I have learned this past year is to unbutton all the buttons on my polo shirts before I pull them over my head. My big head has ruined too many buttons.

3. There are a lot of free things on the Internet. A whole lot. It really makes me wonder about the future of cable television and DVD rentals.

4. I watched Road House on TV the other night. Part of me prefers my super heroes to have super-natural powers. Part of me does not think vengeance could ever go that far. Smart successful business people are smart and successful because they are reasonable. There were too many potential Pareto improving exchanges between Wesley and Dalton for things to end the way they ended. All it all, it was an entertaining movie.

Organization, Geting Started, And Such

I spend a lot of time contemplating different ways of organizing things. (Now I am thinking about how to organize the first chapter of my dissertation.) I also spend a lot of time trying to get started. So here are my conclusions:

1. Organization, while important, is not key. There are many different ways to organize things. Many of these are only marginally different.

2. The best way to get started (for me) is to jump in and not jump out. In other words, worry about organization later.