Soul Searching Or This Goes Nowhere

I am behaviorist. I have no idea what that technically means. I doubt if it means anything. It would be better to say I am an addict. No, I am like an addict.

I have habits. Most of them are bad. Most of them are destructive.

After my second movie in my second night, I was complaining. My girlfriend told me that my problem is that I can not enjoy anything, because in my mind, there is always something left undone. When I was at the movie, I was concerned about my unfinished dissertation. When I was working on my dissertation, I was worried about not watching movies and getting a job. I have difficulty finishing, focusing, and letting go. These fears make my life much more difficult.

Now I have known all of this for some time. (Most of my posts concern these subjects.) I have made studying self-help books and productivity porn a pastime. The solutions I have found have all been the same: set goals, establish habits to meet these goals, and then you will be successful. I interpret this as the backwards induction model or as the planning model.

But I do not believe in planning. Planning always leads to failure because of uncertainty. One day the alarm clock does not go off. One day someone needs help moving. Random events screw up the plan. One would have to create an infinite number of contingency plans. And honestly, the screw-ups usually turn out to be better than the original plan. I wrote one time: "I want to prove that the world works even if it doesn't make sense." I really want to do this, even though I don't know what "proves" means in a world that doesn't make sense. I am a behaviorist.

I am beginning to realize that this aversion to planning and goal-setting is bullshit. I am addicted to being unhappy. I am addicted to indecisiveness. I am addicted to not having goals and plans. My habits confirm these addictions. All addictions are empty in the long-run.

Some of my addictions stem from genuine curiosity. I am interested in many things but only for short periods. Maybe it is because of Nintendo. Maybe it is just me.

I know this. My dad and uncles are the same way. I will never be happy working for someone else. I will never be happy if I consider myself "stuck." I know this. But instead of recognizing it and adopting the singlemindness that it takes to put oneself in unstuck positions, I continue with my "stuck" habits and addictions.

I have no idea exactly what I am saying here. But things are much clearer in my mind.

I just have to finish.